THE GENT

 

Christmas 2003

No. 89

 

Tales from the corridor of uncertainty

 

We got him! - West XI stalwart captured

 

 

Tyrant existed on diet of London Pride and Chinese food

 

INSIDE…

 

·        GWLCC – Factions Reunited - Masher steps down to concentrate on his fishing - Snarler returns to top table as Chairman - Skipper Sanjay carries on - October Conspirator Von Stauffenbuck promoted ·        Sanjay, Snarler, Scibo and Gilkesy cop awards ·        Beggar disgrace at Nelson lock-in ·        Weasel Adam called for throwing ·        Readers’ letters (featuring a Victor lbw rant) ·        Urbans resign from PALs League ·        Sir Harvey’s Consultancy Clinic ·        2004 Gents and Beggar fixtures

 

”Drive around here Sanjay, because I used to work here and I liked it”

 (Mr. V. Sangaralingam to Mr. S. Patel, Staples Corner Industrial Estate, 11.30pm Saturday 7 June 2003)

 

Gents avoid Winter of Discontent

Mr. Buck gets Keys to the Executive Washroom

 

Theologians believe that God, in a spiteful Old Testament mood, decided to punish Gent arrogance the second that Mr. Buck turned to Mr. Hill at the 2002 A.G.M. and said “The Gents are far in a far stronger position than West XI.” This was if you like a turning point, a signal moment, an epiphany, as important in its way as the Battle of Stalingrad, the Paul Gascoigne injury in the 1991 F.A. Cup Final, or Mr. Lucas leaving the cast of Are You Being Served? West XI recognised that their squad was thin and grew it with some special talents. The respective success of the great rivals’ 2003 seasons was determined the day Bhavesh Vyas and Neepam Bhatt turned up at Gunnersbury Park and signed for West XI. Still, the Lord forgives a sinner who repents and Von Stauffenbuck was, one year on, rocketed into high office. He might have been hung on a meat hook for his part in the 2002 October Conspiracy, but lived to tell the tale. Next stop – Groom of the Stool (a much-prized job in the Court of Henry VIII) to Mr. Snelling! What larks Mister Pip.

 

At the West XI A.G.M. the impressive Paul Carter had taken Mr. Burman to one side and launched into a kind tribute to The Gents. However bad the 2003 results were, he said, The Gents had battled all the way. “Keep fighting, mate, you’re a proud club,” he concluded. Thank you, sir, we’ll try. Earlier the same evening, the affable Graeme Clarke had sympathetically observed that the 0-3 loss to West XI was “a tough pill for The Gents to swallow.” So there seemed to be a measure of support for The Gents, even among our oldest and fiercest rivals. The recent letter to Gent House by Rev. Adrian Bullock of the 12AM was kind too. Success ebbs and flows and it is time for the tide to turn.

 

So, a well-attended, lively and above all harmonious 2003 Gents A.G.M. was a source of hope to the club’s players and supporters. The venue, The Griffin PH, was ideal with a private room and good food. The minutes are published later but what they don’t state is just how impressive was the vision for GWLCC articulated by Sanjay Patel in his Captain’s Address. In summary, he believed in the current squad, discounted the need for a multitude of extra players but demanded better nets, with a qualified coach and fewer games, in order to increase the percentage of members playing. This writer for one thought he would chant the mantra of squad expansion but he didn’t. Reading between the lines, he would love one or two of those who have disappeared in recent years to return, but has faith in the current squad to deliver on and off the pitch. At one point in the evening, he and new Reichkanzler Snelling, in the manner of Herr Hitler at Munich in 1938, handed Mr. Burman a piece of paper. Peace for our time? No, just their slant on The Gents’ fixtures. Job done, they’re shown on the back page, though they’ll be subject to minor change.

 

Sanjay’s vision of nets is intriguing, with all the gifted batsmen and bowlers in one net receiving one to one expert tuition while the rump of the squad ponces about in the other. Shades of dear Kenneth Baker’s fabulous Enterprise Lane concept in the 1980’s, in which, if you recall, only entrepreneurs were to be allowed to use the outside lane of a motorway, in order that they could arrive at their destination to create the next bit of wealth those vital few minutes earlier. Mrs. T deemed that one too barmy but it might just work in a cricket situation.

 

The new Committee has safe pairs of hands in Mr. Burman and Miss Langley as Secretary and Treasurer, with playing affairs to be organised by re-elected Captain Sanjay and the new Vice-Captain, the effervescent, no-nonsense Tony Buck, with the considerable presence of Snarler completing the top table. There was some ingenuity too in the Awards. Sanjay was odds-on to win All-Rounder and Batsman and duly did so. But though he took most wickets, the membership voted Snarler Bowler of the Year. He only took 17 wickets, but his bowling was miserly, going at just three runs an over and the membership was astute enough to recognise how important this is in the limited-overs format. Scibo retained Fielder but there were two deserving new winners in Most Improved (Mr. Gilkes) and the Special Award (Miss Langley).

 

There was a minor administrative blip caused by a miscount by Returning Officer Laing (overcome by Fulham’s 3-1 win at Old Trafford, which he eerily predicted) of the votes for Most Improved Player, decided after a Monday recount. This brought to mind a similar screw up in 1993 when the wives of stalwarts John Townley and Simon Alderman completely balloxed the count, to the chagrin, but not surprise (as it confirmed all that he held and holds on the issue of wives) of The Commander. Captain Sanjay observed, with a perhaps over-hurriedly typed e-mail (well, ‘u’ and ‘i’ are next to each other on the keyboard):

“Well done Richard. Unfortunately you have won the award everyone least wants, because everyone who has won this award has had a nightmare season the year after. Hopefully you can break this dick.”

Lord Aycliffe, these days more up for his rugger than cricket or soccer, failed to put in an appearance, though he was rooming locally, and also forgot to deliver the Batting Trophy passed to him during Jim Wright’s brief June sojourn in Hundred Acre Wood. Buzzing the August Saints clash in his new helicopter and a grudging four-hour appearance at Berkhamsted did not constitute a serious attempt at being Chairman and he felt forced to resign the post. He explains later his reasons for doing so, and confirms that he has not actually retired from the club, so the Ashton Tribute Special (with articles from the great and good of the circuit) must remain on the backburner for another season.

 

Chow mein jape rocks circuit

 

Brentford, the county town of Middlesex, has been a strategic settlement since ancient times. Brentford was given its name by the Anglo-Saxons ‘Bregantforda’ and was the site of a much older Celtic settlement. It was incorporated into the parish of Hanwell during the medieval period, which lasted until the Victorian era, when it was combined with Chiswick in 1890. It was then known as Brentford and Chiswick Urban District Council until 1972, when it became part of The London Borough of Hounslow. Julius Caesar’s first footing was in Brentford. There were three Battles of Brentford, 1016 (Vikings), 1642 (Civil War) and 1995 (West XI/Gents). It has also become the de facto location for local cricket A.G.M.s, boasting good transport links and an abundance of local hostelries, some of which have function rooms.

 

The purpose of Annual General Meetings is to let the Board or Committee report back on the year’s affairs to the members or shareholders, to take questions, to define policy strategy and to elect a Committee. With sports clubs, fun is also high on the agenda. It was in this spirit that the Submerged Tenth, otherwise known as West XI Cricket Club, met at the Lord Nelson on 4 October. They had fought for their right to party and took it, decided to change little regarding membership, venue or fixtures and who can blame them? Well, at least two people as it goes: landlady Diane (see below) and Andrew Burman, whose career HS was scandalously shown in the statistical summary issued on the night as 15, whereas he famously belted a fine 29 while putting on a Hindenberg-size stand with Cammy Vine for the first wicket in West XI’s opening 1998 fixture, an event which has become airbrushed from club history. For shame.

 

The A.G.M. clashed with a local running club’s, so a Marx Brothers level of mayhem ensued with Lycrad runners invading the Beggars’ annexe every couple of minutes, augmented by a few hundred early doors drinkers who were thronging the pub after Brentford v. Sheffield Wednesday. Nobody could hear the proceedings but rumour has it the business went off efficiently enough. The turboprop aeroplane heard circling the West London skies that evening was not an R.A.F. Hercules delivering food parcels. Had it been, a drop would have been welcome at the Nelson as the planned grub never turned up, though this was probably fortunate given that Diane has recently been fined £8,500 for breaking food hygiene regulations. Never has a takeaway from Sultan Kebabs (Hanwell, est. 1997) tasted so good. Planning has never been West XI’s long suit but please next time book a room somewhere. There were no changes in officers, though Phil Hill will shadow Andrew Burman as Fixture Secretary with a view to taking over in 2004.

 

Worse was to follow during the inevitable lock-in, when two West XI players stole and ate the landlady’s takeaway Chinese meal, jeopardising future relations with their favourite watering hole. Not that The Gents have an unblemished record on these occasions. One remembers fondly the Mr. Ashton disappearing upstairs with a young lady in 1995 (with Frank Gallagher providing on the spot reports) and a spot of Gents/locals pool cue jousting at a Hitchin pub four years later only minutes after the enigmatic Mark Burville had issued a plea for world peace, tragically ignored by the local knuckle scrapers.

 

On the same night, Urban Cricket Club held their A.G.M. and decided to reduce their fixtures to 6-7 and resign from the PALs League (see Paul Johnson’s statement later). This was probably the right decision (they pulled two 2003 games through lack of numbers) but it is cheering that they are keeping going in some form. Whatever their idiosyncrasies, they are a fine club whose folding would have made the circuit poorer. There was no Gent representation at the St. Anne’s A.G.M. as the only convenient date for the GWLCC coincided with the Oxford boys’ bash. The Allstars have already gained popularity on the circuit and have that humour and energy that characterises young teams on the way up when everything is fresh and new. We salute below one of their stalwarts, but note with concern that two of their number have recently become engaged to be married. Curtain brochures loom.

 

 

Getting to know

No.1 in an occasional series – Tom Everett (St. Anne’s Allstars)

 

One of the most promising broadcast transmission engineers of his generation, Tom wisely chooses to eschew the actual cricket and retreat to the safety of the boundary, armed with his book, biro and ample supply of processed meat products, writes Maxie Haddow-Allen. The Allstars’ Secretary first met Tom at a badly run radio station in an Oxford shopping centre in February 1997, when the latter was employed in the unlikely sounding role of Oxygen 107.9’s “Mr Love”. Little did he know that six years later he would be roped in on a weekly basis to record our Wides and No Balls and answer my mobile phone in case the office ring. It’s a challenge he’s risen to with alacrity, continually setting high standards in such key areas as being sarcastic to the captain and promoting the virtues of BBC3. Career highlights include his road testing of a specially anointed Scorer’s Chair at the 2002 Awards Dinner, in which he invoked unexpected comparisons with C3PO in his wicker throne from Return of The Jedi. Tom works for BBC Engineering’s Research and Development unit, lives at Allstars HQ in Barnes, and his hobbies include real ale festivals and having lots of hair.

Readers’ letters

 

 

I haven’t digested the whole magazine yet but let me congratulate you on your fantastic work. You are a real supporter of the game and I admire your passion.

 

 

Congrats on the new job, I always thought you would be well suited to a job in a paper merchant’s. Another great read, though does contain a factual error. I do remember taking a catch in the covers. I’d like to say it was a gravity defying

leap across the pitch plucking it out of the air in neighbouring Cricklewood, but it was a mistimed swipe off Sanjay’s slower ball that I could either catch or head and I chose the former. If I had a life it would not matter that you have credited it to Bhav, alas it matters. Good luck with the new job, watch out for Finchy.

 

(Extensive interviews of eyewitnesses confirm that the scorecard in Gent 88 was a shambles. Dane indeed caught Donald off Sanjay. The gloved Bhav therefore caught two, Sanjay one and Bucky one. Records have been amended, but The Gents still lost. Ed.)

 

 

So at last the truth is out – GMTV’s Pennie Smith today finally gave out the name of the “Gentleman” who bid around £10,000 for a dinner date. Keeping everyone on the edge of their seats she said his name was “Andy” and he was from West London. Who I ask has a stack of redundancy money, is named Andy and lives in West London (oh, and is a Gentleman). I leave you to draw your own conclusions! But my guess is that Mr. B will be walking around like a cat that’s had the cream from now until Christmas.

 

 

We voted, by six to three, to continue with the League for another season. Doubtless there will be another motion at next year’s A.G.M. There was much discussion on the type of behaviour that the competition appears to bring out. I will venture the hope that the emphasis next season will be on the word ‘Pals’ rather than the word ‘League’. Too many people take both themselves and the competition far too seriously. One man’s gamesmanship is another man’s cheating, in much the same way that one man’s terrorist is another man’s freedom fighter. Play hard, yes, but play fair, and share a few pints afterwards, that’s my philosophy. I’m confident that you share my view.

 

Nothing was mentioned about possible replacements, except to say that we would be happy to leave it in the hands of the League committee to discuss. Presumably a meeting will be called sometime soon. Sadly, Pak CC are no more. They really struggled to get a team together last season, what with family and business commitments, so they’ve decided to call it a day. Pity, because not only were they a nice bunch of folks, they provided the finest tea on the circuit. Last season at Raynes Park, a dozen or more whole chickens, tandooried and hot from the oven, turned up from a nearby restaurant, along with samosas, pakoras, potato fritters, assorted dips and a few cheese sandwiches for the unadventurous. Excellent stuff. We shall miss them.

 

 

As you probably gathered from my chat with you last night I feel I have become somewhat distanced from The Gents. This is for the most part a consequence of living in the North East and not being able to integrate with new members and guests. It takes me all my time to remember who is who. I believe passionately in the club and the way you are trying to rebuild it. At present I believe I have very little to offer in an administrative position but I wish to remain a fully paid up member. My hope is still to make the odd guest appearance (if required) and this will be determined in the New Year dependent on my employment position. I hope you will pass on my regards to members old and new and I wish you all success in reaching the club goals. Please accept my apologies for absence and I hope you have a successful and boisterous evening.

 

 

I would like to thank you all again for awarding me the trophy for Services to the Club. It was completely unexpected but much appreciated. I enjoy giving my time to the Club, and it gives me great pleasure knowing that my efforts (such as they are) are appreciated.

 

 

 

The Urban AGM was held on 1 October, and I’m writing to you guys to let you know what has happened. This year we were struggling to get full teams out and had to cancel two matches. Next year we are maybe losing George Joseph to India and definitely Alex Bell to Australia. Among recent other losses have been Ravi Mantha, Dave Courtness, Pete Maxwell and Vinay Naidoo (who is probably off to India for a couple of years). The losses particularly of Ravi two years ago and Alex this year are particularly painful as they were our main ringer-finders. Added to this, the regulars, Adrian, myself, Graham, Mark and Martyn all have young families competing with our desire to play on a Sunday.

 

The option of merging was pooh-poohed and expanding was considered too difficult so we decided to reduce the season to six or seven fixtures, trying to spread them evenly over the summer. This inevitably means pulling out of the PALs League, as many members felt to only play in a League was no fun, especially for less competent players. In addition, if the League votes to expand, keeping to six fixtures would be impossible for the Urbans. We apologise for any inconvenience, but feel it is our only option if we are to survive.

 

We voted on the teams we would like to play, and the three 2003 PALs League rivals plus West XI gained the most votes, so hopefully we’ll still be playing you next season. We would like to play each team once though, splitting the costs down the middle, and we’d like a good spread across the season, avoiding Bank Holidays. We assume we’ll be invited back to defend the Nelson Cup. If any of this seems too much to bear, please let me know. This year’s skipper is Scot Kirk who has vowed to play six fixtures, he’s also our team selector. I wish you all the best in the PALs League and in finding a replacement for us, hope to see you at any end-of-season drink-up, otherwise next year.

 

 

I hope all went well and that Mark returned the award I won last year as requested (did he heck! Ed.). All is well over here. I actually played cricket the other weekend for the local village team. The pitch is almost on the beach and it was a glorious day. They use artificial pitches over here which I guess is better for batting but the bowling took a right hammering. Of course I didn’t offer my pies for eating. Batted at No.8, faced four balls and fielded for 45 overs. A long day, and we lost. We scored 269 (one guy hit five sixes in one over off a former Canterbury off-spinner). They got the runs in 43 overs. House in the country is going well. I may have to swap the cricket bat for the tractor!

 

 

Dear Gents,

 

All I can say is sorry. I spend the week at work counting and measuring things, so Saturday is my day off from accuracy. Perhaps you also need a Deputy Returning Officer to check up on the main incumbent.

 

 

I’m afraid you will all have to accept my apologies for not appearing at the A.G.M. Since my quite appalling lbw against Sunderland I have been disappearing up my own backside trying to decide whether I ever want to play cricket again. Travelling a distance is one thing, getting old another and umpires who put their finger up to a sweep from a chap with the leg stretch I have is something else. Please do not shoot the messenger, Jimmy is only doing the Devil’s work. It is a long time since my 45 not out and I have often considered retiring at that age. It irritates me immensely to say that I have only played one game after reaching 46, lasted two deliveries and was wrongly outed by a bloke wearing my own trousers. Just in case you are wondering I got my foot too close to the pitch of the ball as it clipped my boot before hitting the pad. I reckon that Jimmy has extrapolated the movement of a ball that has travelled two inches and has a further seven feet to go. Benefit of the doubt to the batsman aye, not out on the front foot aye. It is a sad state of affairs that several issues of The Gent since that time remain unopened in my inbox such is the effect of these two decisions, me to play on when perhaps I shouldn’t and an umpiring decision from Hell which by now I should be used to.

 

Maybe in the fullness of time my twisted mind will return to normal but until then best wishes to all Gents, I am glad to see that Snarler’s back at the top table. The progress of the old gits is in retreat and the new gits can graduate to a state of elderliness in control of the best and most friendly social cricket team that anyone can have had the good fortune to represent. It surely will be in good hands.

 

(Thanks for that, Victor, in particular your generous second paragraph. It didn’t look a great decision from square-leg and this writer would have expected your fellow October Conspirator to give you the benefit of the doubt. Ed.)

 

Minutes of the 2003 GWLCC A.G.M.

Held at the Griffin PH,

Brentford, Middlesex

Saturday, 25 October 2003

 

1 Those present

 

1.1 Committee Andrew Burman (Secretary), Patricia Langley (Treasurer), Sanjay Patel (Captain) and Mark Sciberras (Vice-Captain)

1.2 Members Steve Bignell, Tony Buck, Eddie Fitch, Richard Gilkes, James Lewis, Justin Norcott, Dhruv Patel, Vinayagan Sangaralingam and Stuart Snelling (acting Chairman).

1.3 Guests Dave Bender and Dave Laing. Mr. Laing kindly offered to act as Returning Officer and brought along a menu from the Ming Sing Chinese takeaway, in case The Gents repeated the regrettable theft of the pub landlady’s meal that blighted the West XI A.G.M.

 

2 Apologies for Absence

 

These were received from Mark Ashton, Nick Boddington, Damian Evans, Gavin Fryer-Kelsey, Phil Hill, Chris Lewis, Colin Naish, Ian Richmond and Jim Wright, as well as several guests. Vikram Narasimha and Doug Yates did not attend and failed to offer apologies.

 

3 Minutes of the 2002 A.G.M.

 

These were issued in December 2002 and were agreed as an accurate record.

 

4 Treasurer's Report

 

4.1 Summary

There was a steady inflow of cash during the season and, with some exceptions, subscriptions were paid on time. There was no tour in 2003, which contributed to the health of the club’s finances. The club had to purchase new playing and first aid equipment, which did not represent significant expenditure. Teas were very popular and the cost of providing them was the second largest item behind pitch costs. The Treasurer noted that on some days the number of students and guests outnumbered members. It is therefore proposed that to reduce the cost to the club, and to ensure that all players taking part contribute toward the cost of the day, the following scale of subscriptions and match fees be implemented.

 

 

4.2 Friends of The Gentlemen of West London Cricket Club

It is proposed to introduce a new category of membership. Members who have retired, moved away or no longer wish to play but would like to donate to the club’s funds would become Friends of GWLCC. The donations would be on a sliding scale of £5 to £10 depending on the level of preferred involvement.

 

4.3 Refund of annual subscriptions

The Treasurer has raised this point as one member left the club halfway through the season and requested that his 2003 annual subscription be refunded. Refunds will be made on a pro rata basis. Match fees are not refundable under any circumstances.

 

4.4 Fundraising and sponsorship

It is wrong for the club to rely wholly on its members for funding and other financial initiatives must be taken into consideration. In addition to sponsorship by local businesses, it might be beneficial to arrange fundraising days. Coffee mornings, fundraising parties, sales of drinks and cakes to the public during matches are a few examples of how it might be achieved. Perhaps the club’s regular supporters could help organise and run a sales table?

Gentlemen of West London Cricket Club Income and Expenditure Statement 2002/3

 

 

4.5 Matters arising from the Treasurer's Report

 

4.5.1 Subscriptions and match fees

The membership accepted the proposed charges with the proviso that the first time a guest played should be free of charge. Mr. Buck expressed a concern that the scale of charges would be difficult to administer and noted that the CEB sponsorship money should be treated as a windfall after years when the club had been self-funding without it. Mr. Lewis stated that the club could also charge non-playing guests for teas.

4.5.2 Insurance

There was a long discussion on whether the club should get public liability insurance. A working party comprising Mr. Burman, Miss Langley and Mr. Lewis would look into the matter and report back.

4.5.3 Vote of Thanks

A Vote of Thanks to Miss Langley was passed.

 

5 Secretary's Report

 

5.1 Home venue

Victoria RG, Surbiton was again used for home games. The wickets were variable, though doubtless the hot, dry summer contributed to this. Other facilities were up to scratch and generally VRG represented value for money at £58 per pitch.

 

5.2 2003 fixtures

Of the 21 games scheduled, 19 were played, comprising five league fixtures, three cup fixtures with West XI and 11 friendlies. Two games were cancelled; the league game with Urbans on 18 May (weather) and the friendly with Strongroom on 23 August (opposition could not raise a team). The credit for the Urbans fixture was used for a midweek game by Dhruv Patel’s employers, Close PF, who kindly reimbursed The Gents, though the late-notice Strongroom cancellation left the club out of pocket, as replacement opposition could not be found. Six games were won, one tied and 12 lost. The captain will deal with the playing side. There was again a good mix of opponents, though no tour. Two new sides were played, Jay Bharat and Feathers, who were an amalgam of two previous opponents, London Canaries and London Owls. Full teams were fielded in all fixtures.

 

5.3 Start times

The start time for home games was moved to 1pm for all late season matches and this worked well after some initial hiccups. Time-keeping was not always perfect, however and most games started a little late.

 

5.4 Sponsorship

Chivers Easton Brown kindly honoured their commitment to sponsor the club for two years, though due to an administrative oversight the cheque was not received until after the start of the season. CEB remained in absentia sponsors. A fixture list was sent to them but they did not attend any matches.

5.5 Membership

The club had 15 full and 10 associate members. Full members Mark Ashton, Nick Boddington and Patricia Langley, and associate members Damian Evans, Gavin Fryer-Kelsey and Colin Naish did not play. Mark Hancock was elected an associate member at the 2002 A.G.M. but did not pay his annual subscription. Richard Gilkes, also elected associate member at the 2002 A.G.M., was upgraded to full membership during the season. Chris Lewis was elected full member during the season. Vikram Narasimha, Justin Norcott, Vinayagan Sangaralingam and Doug Yates were elected associate members during the season.

 

5.6 Guests

It is an intriguing statistic, and one that tested the capacity of the Secretary’s e-mail account and mobile phone in-boxes, that 48 players were used during the season (West XI used just 25). The 12 playing full members played 121 times between them, the 7 playing associate members 37 and 29 guests 51. Guests therefore accounted for an average of 2.7 players per game and sometimes (e.g. v. Feathers and London Saints at home) substantially more. This was, however, partly by design in that the fixture list was planned so that The Gents and West XI rarely played on the same day. West XI guests (8) played 19 games. Nabeel Husain (5) and Faraz Sherwani (4) also played whenever they could. Other guests were friends or colleagues of the team plus a healthy infusion of London Rams and Feathers players for the second London Saints match. Saints also supplied a spare player in the first game.

 

5.7 Organisation

The membership advised availability well in advance, which helped planning. There was only one pull out all season, due to illness, and the player concerned kindly notified the Secretary well in advance. Though the season was consistently difficult from an administrative point of view (e.g. selection of sides, the difficulty of obtaining PALs League results) it would have been immeasurably more so without the help of Phil Hill, Chris Lewis, James Lewis, Dhruv Patel, Sanjay Patel, Mark Sciberras and Stuart Snelling, who were all very pro-active about finding players. In only his second season in the club, James has already introduced two new members. Thanks are due to these fine people and of course to the guests themselves. Without their support, several games would have been cancelled, something The Gents have only had to do once in 15 years of playing.

 

5.8 The 2004 season

 

5.8.1 Home venue

Victoria RG, Surbiton is again proposed for home matches.

 

5.8.2 2004 fixtures

Urban Associates have resigned from the PALs League, but want to play the Gents once in 2004. The league could continue with just three teams, but would be hardly worth playing in such a format. Pak Cricket Club are waiting in the wings to join. They are by reputation a strong but friendly side, who beat New Barbarian Weasels twice by large margins in 2003. The Weasels have not yet had their A.G.M. but their continued participation in the PALs League is by no means a certainty (Secretary’s note; The Weasels decided to continue in the League. Pak CC have folded).

 

The original idea of the PALs League was attractive to The Gents as it gave a structure to a fixture list that already existed. If a new side is to be invited to participate in the league then it would add one match to the card if the one-off Urban match is played. The number of fixtures to be played in 2004 is bound up with the item on Membership. Of the 2003 opposition, Strongroom are too unreliable and it is proposed to drop them. There is possible new opposition in National Physical Laboratory in Teddington. Short-notice fixtures can be got through the fixturelist.org web-site, which is free and easy to use.

 

5.8.3 2004 tour

The 2003 tour did not happen for a number of reasons. Bedouins can once again accommodate The Gents at their superb ground in 2004 and it is proposed to go back to the West Midlands to play them on an August Sunday. A Saturday game could be picked up off the internet or discussions entered into with Enville, who let down The Gents in 2002 but were good hosts in 2000 and 2001.

 

5.8.4 Start times

A 1pm prompt start time for all home matches is proposed. This way the games finish earlier and those with other commitments can have more time in which to fulfil them, while post-match socialising is less hurried.

 

5.8.5 Sponsorship

It is proposed to contact Chivers Easton Brown to give them first option to renew their sponsorship. Should they decide not to renew, then Max Minhas has committed to contact alternative sponsors. It is worth pointing out here that should a new sponsor be arranged, then there would be a high start-up cost for a new jacquard and a new run of cricket shirts. The Gents could hardly play in a mix of shirts advertising CEB and the new sponsor. Members are reminded to wear their club shirts, which were after all supplied free of charge, for all matches.

5.8.6 Membership

Assuming that the club wants to field members-only line-ups, the membership is clearly too small to sustain the current level of fixtures. The three variables (the number of matches, the number of members and the number of guests) can be adjusted to a greater or lesser extent. That is the decision that has to be made tonight; The Gents can either decide to reduce the number of fixtures, increase its membership or accept the status quo of a full fixture list and a multitude of guest appearances, with the lack of continuity and organisational overhead that implies.

 

It is better in these situations not to plan for failure, which a contraction of the fixture list would arguably represent. The fact is that new players are urgently needed to support the current squad and it is better that they join as members for the following reasons. Members-only line-ups tend to have better team-spirit, which aids on-pitch performance, and generate greater cash flow, which helps the club’s long-term future.

 

At a time when the club has faced up to some serious challenges and is rebuilding, it is important to preserve its identity. A good way of doing this would be for members to sound out friends and colleagues in a winter recruitment drive. This is how many of the current luminaries joined.

 

5.8.7 Vote of Thanks

A Vote of Thanks to Mr. Burman was passed.

 

6 Captain’s Report

 

6.1 Summary

Sanjay Patel reviewed the season in detail and thanked everybody for their efforts. Although a losing season, in very few of the games were The Gents completely outplayed.

 

6.2 Timekeeping

He stressed the need for improved timekeeping, which was particularly disappointing at Brondesbury when he had to amend his proposed batting order, as several top batsmen did not arrive on time.

 

6.3 Nets

The format of the net sessions had to change, as they had become just a pre-season loosening up exercise, which while of some value, did little to improve technique. He wanted a change in approach to nets, with sessions at Lord’s or The Oval

as well as Teddington, with a qualified coach present. Even without a coach, the format of the nets could be improved by giving the main batsmen “a working over from Stuart, Dhruv and myself.”

 

6.4 Number of fixtures/subscriptions

Regarding 2004, his personal preference was to reduce the number of fixtures in order to field a higher percentage of members. He discounted the need for a huge membership drive, asking rhetorically “Which club doesn’t need extra players?” though recent retirees/absentees would be welcomed back. He felt that the building blocks were already in place and that the ideal number of games was 16-17. He concluded by urging members to pay their annual subscriptions early.

 

7 Proposals for Membership

 

The following members were proposed: Eddie Fitch, Phil Hill, Justin Norcott and Doug Yates (full), Neepam Bhatt and Bhavesh Vyas (associate) and Nabeel Husain and Faraz Sherwani (student). All were elected nem. con.

 

8 The 2004 season

 

The main decisions arising after extensive discussion of this item were

 

8.1 Home venue

Victoria RG, Surbiton will remain the core home venue but pressure will be applied to the contractors to improve the wickets and outfield. Two home games will be arranged at other LB Kingston venues to enable a comparison of facilites and wickets to be fairly made.

 

8.2 Start time

This will be 1pm prompt for all home games.

 

8.3 Nets

As per the Captain’s proposal (sessions at Lord’s or The Oval as well as Teddington, with a qualified coach present) with some summer Wednesday evening sessions at Marble Hill Park, Twickenham.

8.4 2004 fixtures

It was decided to reduce the number of fixtures. Strongroom and Jay Bharat would be dropped and Sunderland SC and Urban Associates reduced to one (the latter at their request). The Gents would tour the West Midlands.

 

8.5 Teas

Mr. Buck will help carry the teas.

 

9 Election of Committee

 

The following Officers were elected nem. con. Chairman Stuart Snelling and Vice-Captain Tony Buck. The following Officers were re-elected nem. con. Captain Sanjay Patel, Secretary Andy Burman and Treasurer Patricia Langley.

 

10 Awards

 

The 2003 Awards were voted for as follows

 

 

11 Conclusion of meeting

 

The meeting concluded at 9pm.

 

Weasel Watch

 

A backlog of Kitbags recently arrived on the doormat and most entertaining they were too. There have been no anti-Gent agenda peddled for a while, bundles in the playground being confined these days to NBW against Urban and 12AM coupled with the odd swipe, which Gent House still finds hard to understand, at ex-President Flack. The promise of a future Urban-bashing special edition should put the cause of world peace back 20 years, while Tom Pagan’s rant against 12AM cannot be quoted here for legal reasons. We offer congratulations to Adam Michaels for his 1,002 run haul last season, a rare and impressive achievement, and to the whole team for fulfilling a busy card of 30 fixtures under Jez Owen’s cheerful leadership, but cannot let pass a particularly spiteful match report offered up by the Pacific CC web-master, after the Home Office idlers had trounced them by 61 runs on 30 August. The matter turned on Adam’s bowling action. Pacific nailed their colours to the mast with the tendentious verging on dyspeptic headline “Chuck Goes The Weasel” before remarking in the first paragraph “Michaels claimed six wickets with his unconventional medium-pace action.” The report continues:

With 20 overs to go Pacific needed another 82 with only one wicket down but the introduction of Michaels changed the whole complexion of the match as he threw down the gauntlet (and the ball). He broke the 84-run second wicket stand when he accounted for Davies in his first over, the Welshman unable to pick up the ball from his whippy bent-then-straight arm action and hitting it straight to mid-off for a tired looking 22. With Marshall going in his next over for an even 50, disappointingly hitting a full toss back to the bowler, there was now pressure on the Pacific middle order.

A couple of sweetly-timed boundaries from Jonathan Hardisty flattered to deceive as he was caught and bowled by Imran and then Michaels cleaned up as he flung down the stumps of Joe Bennett (0), Paul Attwood (3), Rob Bastin (1) and Jon Brown (4). This despite being warned and then No Balled for throwing by Davies (who was now umpiring) and it was perhaps unfortunate that the Weasels’ skipper did not take the hint sooner about his star man’s clearly dubious action. However he finished with figures of 6-20 from six overs and effectively won the game single handedly for the Home Office team, although it was left to Kirkwood to finish things off when he trapped Matt Patel in front for 4, Ollie Haill left not out 4 at the end.

“They were obviously keen to avenge last year’s 9-wicket thrashings - and we threw away a good position to win today,” said skipper Attwood later, who suffered his first ever defeat as Pacific captain. “However it’s a shame their win was tarnished by being reliant on a bowler who was warned and eventually No Balled for throwing, especially when we rely on players to umpire rather than having proper officials. Still we could have been firmer, so it is our own fault in a way and we will just have to be more stringent with the rules next year,” he added.

The day The Gents whinge like that in defeat we might as well give up.

Memories of 1994

 

This was the second of The Gents’ golden four quartets of summers. The sun shone, Jim Wright, Dhruv Patel and Bill Murphy were first seen in Gents colours (Dhruv and Jim debuting on 5 June), giant left-hander Nick Hubbocks posted a then-record 514 runs, five batsmen scored over 200 runs for the first time and Captain Mark Ashton, who bestrode the circuit in those days like a dapper little fellow in Cuban heels who was jolly good at cricket, loved every second. Meanwhile, in another place, there was gloom and despondency as West XI lost five out of their last six matches, but they did manage to tour on successive weekends and earned some notable victories. Steve Bignell is miffed to this day that Ali Hassan was voted Batsman of the Year. Next time you see him, ask him what he thinks about it, light the blue touch-paper and retire!

 

The key to the success was continuity, members making 204 out of 218 appearances, an interesting statistic in the light of the lack thereof in 2003 and the objection by Messrs. Alderman and Townley at the 1993 A.G.M. to the signing of new players. Change would accelerate in 1995, when Snarler joined full-time and Sanjay tentatively dipped his toe in the water. Most of the 1994 oppo (12AM were played for the first time) remain yet, though Phil Hill’s Chelsea FC-based Lager Louts and David Thornicroft’s North-East London Probation Officers have since folded. The 1994 Bob Ashton Cup is remembered overleaf but there were other good Gent displays. Rarely has the club successfully chased totals of 170-plus (Wandham and Weasels) or beaten Urban Associates.

 

The club played a lot of timed games in those days, which explains the drawn matches. Most certainly not timed were the exciting President’s Cup games, but where were FC Chad? Perhaps Swiss or Colin can enlighten us.

 

The curious still sticks in the mind: Nick Hubbocks (Wandham) and David Thornicroft (Rotherham) both falling four short of 100, Milton Jolin (later to take 5 catches) going off to Safeway in Enfield on 25 June to do his weekly shop dressed in his whites, while Ashton and Bignell were putting on a monster stand in a little under a fortnight, John Black getting lost between Victoria RG and the Victoria PH in Victoria Road on 3 July and Daniel Todd aiming for “a nought not out to boost my batting average” in the epic 12 Angry Men return leg. Most apocalyptic was Andrew Burman’s bowling returns of 11.2-2-39-5, with which he topped the averages. When Mr. Ashton, who had bowled about a million overs in the cause, realised this, he embarked on one of his legendary series of indistinct late night phone calls to the entire circuit freely offering up his congratulations, his phrases charged with majestic eloquence.

 

·         BAMC Bob Ashton Memorial Cup, LNC Lord Nelson Cup, PC President’s Cup

2-1 in the gloom

 

Sandwiching the riot-torn 1993 and 1995 Bob Ashton Memorial Cup series was an unusually placid rubber, won 2-1 by The Gents who therefore retained the trophy they won for the first time in 1993. Not until 1998 would the Beggars see it in their trophy cabinet again. The series swung on a superb second leg, won closely by The Gents on a glorious July summer’s day. Surviving the eleventh-hour withdrawal of Bodders with a migraine and the loss of Mr. Ashton bowled Hill for a duck, an early Hubbocks blitz (40) and a superb knock from big Mike Hughes (43) (well supported by Burman and Renvoize) saw The Gents to 181-9 on the old Victoria RG strip, at right-angles to the current square and on the opposite side of the pavilion. Raj Kanthan top-scored with 43 in reply but prolific batters John Waddell and Charles Arthur (bowled Richard Sambrook-Smith, one of his only two Gents wicket) both failed, West XI ending 11 runs short. Mark Ashton took three excellent outfield catches. This win tied the rubber at 1-1, the Ashtonless Gents being no match for seamers John Williams and Chris Folley at Boston Manor in May, hard though Dan Todd (33) and Andy Burman (12) fought with the bat. “I thought those day were behind us” mused Mr. Ashton on the telephone that evening.

 

1-1 then and so to the penumbral Wimbledon Park decider, the first time a neutral ground had been used for the final tie. Both sides had only ten men but it was the again Ashtonless Gents who won the day. In those days Charles Arthur’s was a big wicket, more prized even than Bignell’s, who opted for neutrality in this series after a season in Gents’ colours in 1993. Jim Wright caught and bowled Charlie and when the prolific Ali Hassan was run out the innings was in freefall. Hill took them up to 56. Nick Boddington’s composed 27* took The Gents to a famous win by 4.30pm. Great days.

 

 

Sir Harvey’s Consultancy Clinic

 

Greetings from County Durham, mates. Been bloody busy lately developing a risk-free passive income stream. Mr. Wu from China hasn’t actually made me any money yet but if I have anything to sodding do with it he’s gonna build his factory bloody soon and then we’ll be motoring. Talking of motoring, turns out it ain’t toys at all he makes but top quality hands-free mobile kits. Saw a sample – they’re so good they’ve even got “Nokia” on them though the spelling wasn’t all that to be fair mates and it caught fire but for a fiver whaddya expect? Still, old Victor’s on the case too, so it’s, er, well let’s not dwell on this for too long mates. I’ve also been doing some lucrative consultancy with a top-secret client who was only one of the biggest pipe manufacturers in the North East. I say “was” as they unfortunately went belly-up recently but that wasn’t my fault. Told Victor and he banged on for two hours about the difference between bankruptcy, receivership and administration. Told him I wasn’t interested in administration, I was a top-level, big-picture strategy man and he just gave me a look.

 

I’m more up for me rugger than me soccer these days. This has nothing to do with Leeds United, mates, it is an informed judgement. Had old Bignell and Hillbilly up here during the World Cup. It was flipping tense seeing if England were going to get their hundred points against those Ukrainians (one of the best fifteens in the whole of the former Soviet bloc in my view) and all those twits wanted to do was watch Arsenal v. Chelsea on Sky.

 

Right, cricket. Me best contribution recently has been saving the life of Gareth Batty out in Galle before the first Test. Daft sod nearly drowned but was able to hang on to some flotsam floating out there in the Indian Ocean. Turned out to be me wallet which some old slapper stole off me on the beach last time I was there in ’01. And I’ll tell you what I got off it down at that blooming beach, sod all. Talking of which, I’m doing alright on the bint front at the minute, though no way am I gonna settle down till I’m 50. Old Burman’s been putting about that I’ve never done anything younger than 25 and tell you what, he’s blooming right. Got a text message from one of ’em asking me if I liked ’em shaved or not. Stupid bint, like everyone, I prefer a lady to have long hair rather than look like a bloody skinhead.

 

People say I no longer care about The Gents but that’s bollocks, my interest is as high as ever even though I’m slightly more hands off these days. I’m sure regulars like Bodders and Victor’ll be back among the runs in ’04 and Snarler’s not a bad captain, but he’ll need plenty of support from No.2 Toddy. President’s Cup here we come!

 

 

Quiz answers

Congratulations to Nowhere Man, living in a Nowhere Land, for his response. At least we saved the prize money. It was Jack Hobbs who scored scored 44 non-First Class centuries, including comedy ones against Portland Cement, Cambridge Liberals, Guards Depot (Caterham) and Three Counties Mental Hospital. The last time England went more than 16 years without an Ashes series win was 1953. Bhavesh Vyas’s uncle Inzamam-ul-Haq took the Kiwis for 329. Roy Fredericks became Minister of Sport in Guyana and Wasim Akram hit 12 sixes in a Test innings.

 

West London 2004 fixtures

 

There’s no major surgery on The Gents’ list, just the merest bit of shaven haven (Mr. Gilkes wakes up at the back). It has been decided that slightly fewer games is the way to go, so there is no Strongroom or Jay Bharat. The usual suspects are present and correct. The season commences with The Gents dodging Tristan Haddow-Allen’s howitzers at Surbiton while West XI go South to play Addington (1743), one of the best venues on the circuit. The three West London clashes will be the highlight of the season but there is not a fixture here that lacks allure. West XI have intriguing new oppo in Rohit Chugh’s London Business School (Bah, sell out! Chairman Ali), their usual tour and Lord Nelson Cup (now seeking new sponsorship). There’ll be plenty of scope for both the club’s galácticos and stalwarts to perform. Somebody take the batting pressure off Sanjay, please.

 

The 2004 PALs League will comprise just three teams, The Gents, NBW and 12AM, whose position as favourites will be tested if the Deportation Orders threatened by the Home Office are served on their middle-order. As Mr. Buck said, we’re going to play them twice anyway so there might as well be points at stake. The tour is unconfirmed. Demand from touring sides to play at the sublime Enville CC is understandably high but only one Sunday game a year is allowed there, a positively Bacchanalian orgy of impiety compared to the good old days when the devoutly Christian Lady of the Manor was still alive. It’s a question of wait until Brian Sussman gets back to see if they can fit us in. The Euro 2004 draw was fairly kind to weekend cricketers but if the Three Lions make the 4 July final we’re sure Mr. Wylie won’t mind bringing the game forward a day. You will notice a few August gaps. This is to bring the total number of games in line with what was decided at the A.G.M. If by some chance The Gents recruit a few more players then another game or two could be added nearer the time. All home games will start at 1pm, away starts are down to the hosts. The Gents’ tour and West XI’s trip to Octopus are to be confirmed (tbc). Finally, apologies to West XI for the glut of May home games, there was no way round it.

 

A West Midlands Ghost Story

The Spectre of Whittington Heath by Anne Bradford and Barrie Roberts

 

The Illustrated Police News was a late 19th Century tabloid. Like its modern descendants it dealt with crimes, disasters and society scandals, but it did not possess their sexual freedom. Instead it developed the dramatic possibilities of monsters and strange animals, filling its pages with gorillas, sea serpents, giant squids and elephants. It flourished years before the printing of photographs became possible, a distinct advantage because its illustrations came not from the camera lens, but from the overheated imaginations of its engravers. Another speciality was the supernatural and on 14 December 1872 it chilled its readers with the following awful tale: