THE GENT

 

April 2004

No. 90

 

Tales from the corridor of uncertainty

 

Jim Wright flies back

(…and Buck is there to meet him)

 

 

INSIDE…

 

·        New squad takes shape

·        2004 revised fixture list

·        Great Hanwellians – John Conolly

·        The Gent strikes it rich with Euro Lotto bonanza

·        Windies memories

·        Alie hits maiden 50, winter cricket books, football, readers’ letters, etc.

 

PLUS…

 

Terror latest…   Al-Qaeda Hanwell bomb plot foiled   Gent House unscathed in act of deliverance

Gents go for growth

 

Experienced commentators are calling it the biggest cricket U-turn since, in 1941, Adolf Hitler’s mixture-of-youth-and-experience Germans toured the Soviet Union less than two years after respective Fixture Secretaries von Ribbentrop and Molotov had signed the Nazi-Soviet Non-Aggression Pact. For, in a sensational move, The Gents have rocked the circuit by signing some hot performers to beef their thin squad for the 2004 season. Go back, if you will, to the 2003 Annual General Meeting of the club when Chairman-elect and Captain expressed the preference to trim the fixtures to accommodate declining numbers. Indeed, pride of place in the Exhibition of Social Cricket Ephemera currently on display in the Lord’s Museum is the famous piece of paper on which Sanjay and Snarler jotted their preferred 2004 card of 16/17 fixtures. This, along with Bignell’s legendary West XI A.G.M. Best Bowler voting slip from 1999 (in which he voted for himself with no attempt to disguise his neat, clerkly handwriting) and John Townley’s tragic attempt to score the 1990 home game with East Harrow Cheetahs, have pride of place.

 

But events moved with breathtaking speed in February and March, so fast that it was hard to keep up. First up, we received a delightful surprise, an e-mail from club legend Jim Wright which announced his return to England with partner Vicky (and bump). Jim expressed a desire to play regularly once more. The return of King James caused Dhruv Patel to go all wobbly. “He is coming!” he screamed on the club message board and there is no doubt that The Gents have missed Jim big time, whether it be for his long innings, fluent or attritional depending on the state of the match, his surprisingly successful bowling or gallant fielding. Welcome back, sir.

 

Ken Toft, the London Owls/Feathers batsman and, within a few weeks, London Rams’ Kiwi trio – Anthony Lea, Ryon Derriman and Wayne Thompson – then approached the club asking to join. Thus, the top order that played v. Southampton in August 2003 (with impressive results) could be reunited. The motivation of Ken, Anthony, Ryon and Wayne in joining is that they want to play regular cricket, which their current clubs cannot, at the moment, offer, so The Gents are flattered that they want to join and are pleased to accommodate them. All have signed for the season, though Watford resident Anthony is likely to be less available than the other three. Feathers, London Owls and London Rams are popular clubs run by good people. Their captains and organisers Pete Wylie, Ian Colley, Mike Severn and Jon Orchard have played for The Gents and found us other spare players when we were short and we are sure that relations will remain good.

 

Dhruv’s recent recruits, Nabil Husain, Faraz Sherwani and Vikram Narasimha, all of whom impressed in 2003 and at nets, are also very keen, along with the Patels, Buck, Gilkes, Clarke, Norcott, Burman, Snelling, the Lewises, Victor and, when he can arrange to travel up from Bath, Scibo. We hope Doug and Eddie, too, will play more regularly but have not heard from them.

 

But how the club is going to need these extra bodies! We know Scibo (16 games in 2003) will play less and Jason Irvin (6) and Pritesh Naik (5) no longer figure in the club’s plans for reasons that we do not need to repeat. There will be more fixture clashes with West XI in 2004, with, therefore, fewer opportunities for Beggar associates and guests. The Gents, spikily though not unamusingly described as “West XI’s Seconds” and “The Beggar Feeder Team” in 2003 intend to forge a discrete identity once more. It will be a leadership challenge for Sanjay to mould a happy, winning team with so many new players, but Snarler managed it in 2000 (with Beepath, Evans, Fitch and Sciberras in their debut seasons) so it is nothing new and at this early stage he seems at least to have an adequate supply of raw materials.

 

Good luck to everyone for the season and let’s go and win some cricket matches.

 

Does he really need to know?

 

In times of war such as these, it is very important for clubs like ours to do our bit. As is pointed out later, we never know who is in our midst and a seemingly innocent piece of information can and will be used against this country, so be vigilant at all times. For instance, a spectator may observe at a Gents’ game “My, this looks jolly fun, shame you were all out so cheaply. I shall come to watch again next Sunday.” “No point, guv’nor, we’re away, back here in a fortnight,” you reply. A harmless exchange? You’ve only told him where he can safely store his stash of osmium tetroxide and ammonium nitrate terror chemicals for two weeks, as Victoria RG is scarcely used on non-Gents’ days.

 

There are other simple ways we can do our bit. If a member of Al-Qaeda pitches up at Surbiton and asks directions to Buckingham Palace or Heathrow Airport, inform the groundsman immediately. He will ensure that Gary Privett of Kingston Business Support Services (Customer Care) is informed by memo no later than the following Wednesday. Finally, in the event of a direct attack on a Gents’ game, ensure that irrespective of personal safety the scorebook is safely removed to a secure area. Depending on casualties, the Captains may have to reduce the number of overs played.

Fixture list expands

 

The fixture list has been increased to accommodate the extra players signed up. Please use the list later as the definitive one for holiday planning. There is now only one fixtureless weekend (4/5 September) which will be filled if enthusiasm remains high. A few dates have also been shuffled around, though all that has changed before July is that new oppo will now visit on the second Sunday, the Sunderland SC game on F.A. Cup Final day has been postponed until 1 August while Stumps CC has been added as a North London away fixture 24 hours after the original Sunderland date. The tour is confirmed, though the Saturday game has not been fixed. It is not easy to get West Midlands August Saturday fixtures as most of the sides are still playing league cricket but we’ll come up with something, perhaps an Oxfordshire game en route.

 

No sell out

 

Meanwhile, down at Jollity Farm our friends from West XI have spent the off-season losing their kit in Morocco, which is such a 1960’s thing to do that Jerry Garcia probably wrote a song about it. They’ll be without Paul Carter in 2004 but all their other players will be present and correct and they will remain a formidable act when all their stars pitch up. One looked in vain for a decline in powers of their more mature members in 2003 – Bignell’s assault at Gunnersbury Park turned the match, Laing bowled with flight and guile at Berkhamsted while Dane’s innings at Surbiton was possibly the best in a Gents’ game in 2003. The prowess of Mr. Ling was also unchanged, though sadly he had a spectacular senior moment in the winter, attempting to book pitches with LB Hounslow on a series of Thursdays.

 

Time has lent perspective to the 0-3 West XI horror of 2003. May we quote, in a different context (the 1999 President’s Cup FC Chad débâcle), Jim Wright: “They played good cricket, cricket better than us and deserved to win. This is maybe another indication of not giving credit where credit is due. We should accept when we are ‘beaten’ and not always believe we have ‘lost’ a game due to our own failings.”

 

Thick Twats Reunited

 

At Gent House editorial conferences, the young people often ask “Why so much about that bloke from County Durham? Surely he is yesterday’s man?” Well, the short answer is that there is a rich seam to mine and Mark is very much a today person interested in all kinds of contemporary things. His latest jape was, several years after the rest of the UK, discovering the Friends Reunited web-site, on which alumni of the nation’s educational institutions brag about their gifted children, beautiful partners and successful careers. He beefily informed Gent House that he was going to “bloody well investigate” the doings of Windsor Grammar School old boys further and report back. This he did several hours later.

 

“Seventeen people have registered on there from 4A mate and they were all either thick twats or f***ing useless at sport.” (Note: the great man always refers to his own class as 4A although he was, at different times, in other classes)

 

In the time available to him between his first and second calls he had also, very impressively, reconstructed the register of 31 boys and come to the conclusion that he, Masher, “was definitely the most popular bloke in the form”. He’d worked it all out.

 

It was the misfortune of Mr. Ashton (Burnett House) that Janet did not give birth to him several months earlier. Had she done, he would of course have been in 5A and the whole course of history might have been altered. He would have had Brian Midgeley rather than Ben Blow for maths for a start, and had firm but professional encouragement rather than being beaten over the head with a huge set of keys every time he mucked up his calculus. Mark also claims that he would have done far better at maths had he not had to spend valuable time acting as unpaid classroom assistant and mentor to Mr. Boddington (Warwick House) who was “bloody useless.” He would also have been able to bask in the aura of probably the most gifted year of boys ever to attend a state school. To take just two examples, Peter Luff (Allen House) became Tory M.P. for Worcester (Hansard confirms he has a little too much to say about the evils of top shelf gentlemen’s magazines) while Paul Munro-Faure (Ford House), who wore shorts to school until he was about seventeen, inherited his father’s estate agency business and miraculously has not yet driven it into the ground. Indeed, the decline of Ford House, who were regularly Cock House in the late sixties, may be traced to the arrival of his like.

 

Our spies in another place inform us that alumni of Stephen Bignell’s alma mater, Latymer School, include the great Bruce Forsyth and former Fulham and England football star Johnny Haynes. Indeed, Mr. Bignell remembers inheriting a text book with Haynes’s name on it.

Great Hanwellians

No.1 John Conolly 1794-1866

 

In Victorian times, Hanwell was known for its asylum and its name was therefore pejorative, in much the same way as Risley and Rampton are today. Such were the nimby attitudes of the time that local councilors wanted to name Hanwell Station ‘Elthorne-on-Brent’ to stimulate house building in the area. Indeed, ‘Hanwell and Elthorne’ was decided as a compromise name for it and to this day a hoarding on platform 2 at this beautiful Grade 1 Listed station identifies it thus. Yet instead of being ashamed of this edifice in their midst, Victorian Hanwellians ought to have been very proud for they were graced for over 20 years by the presence of one of the most enlightened men to have walked this earth.

 

John Conolly was physician at Hanwell Asylum, with more than 1,000 inmates one of the greatest lunatic asylums in England at the time. His scientific importance is less than obvious, although he wrote a lot. In practice, however, Conolly is all the more important as the real creator of the no-restraint system. Gardiner Hill, supported by Charles Worth in Lincoln had made some attempts at this before him, but John Conolly is credited having introduced the system into practice. After more than twenty years at Hanwell he in 1856 reported that in 24 English mental institutions, with a total of more than 24.000 patients, mechanical restraints had been almost completely abandoned.

John Conolly became a soldier at the age of 18, married at 22 and subsequently spent some time in Tours in France with his brother Dr. William Conolly, who practiced there. It was not until in 1817 that he commenced his medical studies in Edinburgh, receiving his doctorate in that town in 1821. He subsequently practiced successively in Lewes, Chichester, and Stratford-on-Avon where he, with his friend John Darwall (1796-1833) assisted Dr. James Copland (1791-1870) in the publication of The London Medic. Repository with reviews of foreign books.

Conolly went to London in 1827 and in 1828 became professor of practical medicine at the University College, and concerned himself with the introduction of the teaching of clinical psychiatry at the University of London. In 1838 he went to Birmingham and in 1839 received the post as Resident Physic to the Middlesex Lunatic Asylum in Hanwell, in the Parish of Norwood, now St. Bernard’s Hospital, the largest institution of its kind in England. In 1843 the average number of patients at Hanwell was 970. It now holds more than 2,500 inmates.

In Hanwell he immediately began practicing the doctrines of Philippe Pinel (1745-1826) and William Tuke (1732-1822), abolishing the use of all kinds of force. In 1844 he moved from his quarters in the Hanwell Institution and from 1852 was visiting physician, later just consulting physician, to this institution, devoting himself to a busy practice in his private institution in the village of Hanwell. As a visitor to the asylum recalled:

“May 17th 1842. This day I have visited Hanwell, in company with Serjeant Adams and well may I ... heartily thank God for all that I saw there. Could any man, who has the least regard for his fellow man, as created and redeemed by the same Blessed Lord, behold such triumph of wisdom and mercy over ignorance and ferocity and not rejoice, and give God the glory? These things cannot be expressed, no, nor felt, by any but the spirit of Christian love, of the love of that dearest Lord, whose very essence is the indivisible, necessary, and single principle of goodness itself. What sufferings mitigated, what degradations spared, what vices restrained, what affections called forth!”

 

Conolly was a great man, the first to take the bars off the asylum cells and give those poor bewildered folk a bit of dignity. In case you are thinking that the connection with West London social cricket is tenuous, be it here recorded that Maxie Haddow-Allen did hospital radio duties at St. Bernard’s a few years ago. Long-stay residents still talk in affectionate terms of the unique, soothing way Maxie had of saying “and to take us up the news, here’s a little something from Sting.”

 

The Gent strikes it rich

 

Nothing can hurt us now, we’re rich! Gent House received the message on the left a few weeks ago via e-mail. All we had to do to “partisperate” was send name, address, phone number and a small administration fee of €500. This was duly done and we have received confirmation, again by e-mail, that FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND OF JACQUES CHIRAC’S EUROS are on their way into the Gent House interest-bearing current account. The cyberage has its critics (only 90% of today’s social cricketers, for example, approve of detailed instructions for making explosives being freely available on the internet). But how wonderful it is to report a bit of good news at last. The beers are on us after the West XI game!

Caribbean memories

 

Of the current Beggar/Gent fraternity, only Stephen Bignell (definitely) and Kevin Allerton (possibly, his 40^th birthday was in June 1994 while his 50^th was in March 2004, so perhaps like the Queen he has two) were born the last time England, trading then as the M.C.C., won as many as two Tests in a Caribbean series, let alone three. It was the 1953/4 tour when Captain Len Hutton led from the front with 205 and 169 as England came back from 0-2 to draw 2-2 against a fine batting side who boasted the Three W’s, Clyde Walcott, Everton Weekes and Frank Worrell. In a pompous match report for the Daily Telegraph the usually sound EW Swanton immortally denounced the losing England side in the first Test in Jamaica as “unbalanced.” Watson, Hutton, May, Compton, Graveney, Bailey, Evans, Lock, Statham, Trueman and Moss – eight legends even if you reckon old Lock was a chucker! England made few friends on that tour, though the 1-0 win in 1959/60 under PBH May passed quietly enough.

 

They did not tour again until the spring of 1968, when social upheaval was afoot with protests against the Vietnam War (even though Prime Minister Harold Wilson performed a political masterstroke and kept Britain out of it) and les événements kicking off in Paris due to some blithering nonsense or other to do with croissants. Meanwhile, the only upheaval in The Editor’s life came with a near relegation to the ‘B’ stream at Windsor Grammar School, a spectre possibly not unconnected with the abandonment of homework in favour of huddling tensely near his father Bill’s old valve radio, tuned in to the gripping Test matches on Radio Four. The memory of Jeff Jones blocking out Lance Gibbs to draw the final Test and ensure a 1-0 win is as clear as if it were last week, the celebratory cup of Ovaltine much appreciated. Now you youngsters know the feeling as well.

 

Stuck in Lodi again

 

The Gent wishes a belated happy birthday to legendary West XI Chairman Kevin Allerton (‘Alie’) who reached his maiden fifty in March. As was expected, there was a rare old mix of music at his excellent bash, and Alie threw down a stiff challenge to West London rock critics Stephen Bignell and Andrew Burman, informing them that they would “know less than a third of the stuff played tonight.” In the event it was not too obscurantist, the DJ’s spinning fairly well-known 45rpm discs from Velvet Underground, The Clash, The Only Ones, Ian Dury, Stephen Stills, Elvis Costello and the Attractions, David Bowie, T. Rex, Beach Boys, Mary Wells, Fontella Bass, Rolling Stones, Sam and Dave, Three Dog Night, Creedence Clearwater Revival and Eric Burdon. This was the equivalent of a series of half-volleys outside off stump, though Jano Thomas (‘I Spy For The FBI’), J Geils Band (‘Nothing But A Houseparty’) and Flaming Groovies (‘Shake Some Action’) got turn and bounce on an increasingly troublesome wicket. The two weather-beaten pop journos (whose CV’s go right back to “Disc and Music Echo” c. 1958) had to admit defeat, however, with ‘Bish Bash Bosh’ by The Joog, Marc Bolan’s first band (before he joined John’s Children), and an early Byrds cover by the Judy Dyble-era Fairport Convention, a track so obscure it was, according to the reference works available at Gent House, never even recorded (er, run that by me again). Not ’alf, pop pickers, but remember downloading is killing home taping.

 

There was a very good attendance of West XI past and present, with founder members Milton Jolin, Denis Culpin and Steve Haywood all present and correct, together with recent alumni such as Ian Dallas (wearing a mildly ridiculous pair of bondage trousers) and Martin Drake. Anthropologists who attended the evening were quite impressed by the behaviour of West XI, several of whom were seen to interact peacefully with each other and indulge in rudimentary communication in which the words ‘Gents’, ‘stuffed’, ‘three’ and ‘nil’ were repeated in varying order to great chortles.

 

Winter cricket books reviewed

 

Ian Richmond’s “And Another Thing” (Baggy Press, 1,238 pages, £24.99) is a long but merry romp through the charismatic Black Countryman’s chequered cricket career with Enville and The Gents, fleshed out with observations on social and political affairs. There are amusing tales of drinking twelve pints before a cricket A.G.M. and voting for the wrong captain (with decisive results) and a ball-by-ball reconstruction of his 44 not out against NB Weasels in 1997. The logic of his leg-before dismissals is exhaustively analysed and his career batting average adjusted upwards as a result.

 

Away from the cricket, the book is laced with insights into the world at large, and in particular those problems, too many to mention, wreaked by the Twin Evils of the E.E.C. (the author is a founder member of the Black Country Anti-French Trade Federation, a body which under his wise guidance has now expanded to two) and Political Correctness, which, as the author often reminds us “has gone too far.” Passionate denunciations of subjects as disparate as the metric system, Sri Lanka as a holiday destination and the Tudor monarchs are the high water marks. Conspiracy theories abound, in the main directed at Premiership referees who declined “seventeen clear penalties” for the author’s beloved West Bromwich Albion in the 2002/3 season. All in all a good value read.

Terror’s coming home

Al-Qaeda foiled in dawn raid

 

About 700 police officers from five forces carried out searches at 24 addresses early on 30 March, following weeks of surveillance. The compound seized from the lock-up in Boston Road, Hanwell, West London (barely a hungover Tony Buck throw from Gent House) was ammonium nitrate which, as any ‘O’ Level chemistry student will confirm, is one of the constituents of gunpowder, though it is also used as a fertiliser, so there is a long shot that al-Qaeda have taken up a few allotments. The raids followed the infiltration of alleged extremist Islamist groups. News crews were soon on the scene, and CNN somehow coaxed an interview out of regulars at the adjacent Red Lion hostelry, though they were thankfully spared local character Dave the Hand, who was having one of his turns in nearby Elthorne Park.

 

It’s getting too close for comfort. Hot on the heels of this newsflash, Beggar skipper Chris Wright confirmed that swoops on Taliban and Al-Qaeda near his East London home had reached such epidemic proportions that they were no longer reported. He further suggested that Hanwell and Wanstead Flats should be twinned.

 

Readers’ letters

 

 

It turns out that the landlord of the ‘Stryker’s Railway’ pub in Hampton Wick is a member of the Cosa Nostra, and is one of the FBI’s ‘most wanted’! He’s a New Orleans-born conman, who has been implicated in the murder of President Kennedy! According to reports, the bloke skipped US justice in 1991, and has been living in Kingston-upon-Thames and the surrounding district ever since! He was only rumbled when he applied for a passport in the name of John Stryker. His real name is Nofio Pecora Jnr. Pub regulars swear that this bloke was a “fine member of the community, always law-abiding.” I bet he was - he didn’t want to attract unwanted attention to himself, did he? This fugitive from justice has absconded again, and the pub has been taken over by a new landlady.

 

The ‘Stryker’s Railway’ is dead opposite Hampton Wick station, and has often been driven past by Northbound Gents on the way back from Surbiton cricket matches. We never know who’s who, or who’s living in our midst, do we?

 

Soccer news

 

The Chelsea v. Watford F.A. Cup replay was live on German TV back in January. The DSF commentator was full of useless trivia, but excelled himself when Scott Fitzgerald came on as a sub, mentioning that he’d been signed from Norsevood. So know the whole of Germany have heard of the mid-table Ryman One North minnow Northwood, or at least the 10 people who were watching DSF at the time, waiting for the porn to kick in. Meanwhile, Windsor and Eton F.C.’s season will have a happy conclusion. It is perhaps not in the carefree spirit of non-league football to concede only 32 goals in your first 41 league matches, but that is what their awesome defence has done at the time of writing. They will finish first or second in Ryman Division One South and will proudly take their place in the Southern League (Western Divison), one below the Conference South, in 2004/5. If they win the League, which they currently head by four points from Lewes, they will enter a complicated set of play-offs to go straight into Conference South. Heady stuff for The Royalists then, with the highlight being a 2-1 win away to Lewes in front of a bumper 738 crowd in March. The Sky commentary team chortling at Tottenham’s 3-4 F.A. Cup exit to Manchester City (after being 3-0) up missed an opportunity to remind the nation of what experts regard as the greatest comeback in English football, Windsor’s 5-4 win at Folkestone Invicta in the Second Qualifying Round of the 1995/6 F.A. Vase, a victory achieved in ordinary time after being 1-4 down with 20 minutes to go. Sadly, Pagham away was not quite the money-spinner that Old Trafford was.

 

The best thing about football at this level is not the skill but the intimacy and cost. Admission is £6 and even with a Travel Card/smidgen of petrol and sustenance you’re not looking at more than £20 for a Big Day Out, compared with £40 just to get into a Premiership game. Add the cost of a hotel room and a couple of bad women for the seaside trips and you can still have change from £400.

 

It remains only to wish the England lads well in Euro 2004 and to congratulate Millwall on reaching their first F.A. Cup final. Bill Flack went up to Old Trafford to see them do it.

Availability

 

Please let the club secretary know your availability well in advance. Things can and do change, we know that, but your early notification of availability is much appreciated.

 

e-mail andrewburman_840@hotmail.com, mobile 07802-788424

 

In the event of more than eleven players being available for a particular game, the Captain may have to ask certain players to stand down. They will play the next game for which they are available.

 

Subscriptions due

 

At the A.G.M. the following scale of charges was agreed. Please bring the cheques to nets or post (payee P Langley) to 70 Becketts Close, Feltham, Middlesex TW14 0BP. The pitches will be invoiced soon and the club has to be liquid enough to pay for them.

 

 

The early games

 

Sunday 25 April Gents v. St. Anne’s Allstars (Victoria RG, Surbiton)

 

We haven’t seen the best of this young, keen outfit yet. When Tristan and the Ocker Hipwell finally explode, watch out. 2003 Won, 2002 Drew (rain)

 

Sunday 2 May Gents v. new oppo (TBC) (Victoria RG, Surbiton)

 

We’re busy on fixturelist.org, trying to sort out a game this weekend. We currently have a pitch but no oppo.

 

Sunday 9 May 12 Angry Men v. Gents (Civil Service Sports Ground, Chiswick) (League)

 

League champions and deservedly so, a long, talented Aussie middle-order, a great fielding side and not the worst bowlers either. Thanks in advance to them for upgrading to such an excellent venue. 2003 Lost, 2002 Won

 

Sunday 16 May Gents v. Urban Associates (Victoria RG, Surbiton)

 

Always a tough fixture as one Gents win in the last nine meetings testifies. 2003 Cancelled (rain), 2002 Lost

 

Sunday 23 May Stumps v. Gents (Lyttleton Playing Fields, London N2)

 

A new oppo got via the good offices of St. Anne’s Allstars.

 

Sunday 30 May Gents v. West XI (Victoria RG, Surbiton) (Bob Ashton Memorial Cup)

 

The keenly-anticipated first leg of three in the 2004 series will see The Gents hope to record their first home win in this series since 2000. Expect the unexpected. 2003 Lost, 2002 Lost

 

Saturday 5 June London Saints v. Gents (Church St. RG, Edmonton)

 

It’s a ground the hosts know well so it’s two wins, two defeats here for The Gents, Mr. Gilkes’s 41 in 2003 being the only Gent innings of note so far. 2003 Lost, 2002 Won (Town Park)

West London 2004 fixtures

 

 

·         Gents home games start at 1pm

·         BAMC = Bob Ashton Memorial Cup, LNC = Lord Nelson Cup

·         PALs = PALs League three-team competition