THE GENT

 

May 2004

No. 91

 

Tales from the corridor of uncertainty

 

Dave Bender sings

 

 

“I’ve seen Ryon and I’ve seen Wayne”

 

INSIDE…

 

Gents on two-match unbeaten run Bonfires lit all over England and New Zealand! Church bells rung! Nation to be given extra Bank Holiday! Match reports St. Anne’s Allstars (won by 6 wickets) 12 Angry Men (PALs League) (won by 6 wickets) Chris Wright charity bike ride Readers’ letters Sponsorship latest

Investment opportunity   A new business venture in the North East of England seeks equity partners. Operating in the profitable niche market of DVD piracy, the business has aggressive growth plans and expects to generate a positive cash flow by 2006. Serious investors will enjoy healthy returns.

 

Editor AJ Burman, B.A. (Hons.), FCIP (Fellow of the Chartered Institute of Pedants)

 

Message from the committee

 

“That’s froopence, guv’nor” Fans flock to news stands to read call to arms

To members of GWLCC   The beginning of a new cricket season is always a special time and especially so this year as we welcome players old and new.   In 2003 The Gents had to field guests nearly every week, starting as early as the second game. Two or three guests per game soon became the norm, which led to clear problems of continuity and a huge increase in administration. In the 19 matches played, the club used 48 players, of whom 21 only played once and five twice. The expansion of the playing membership has been in response to this. We want to field members-only sides, be the member full, associate or student.

 

As a result the club may find itself in the utter luxury of oversubscription, particularly in the opening weeks of the season before the holiday season starts. Therefore, the committee has decided to write to each member both to wish you well in your cricket for 2004 and to request your patience as an exciting new era for the club evolves.

 

Our first opponents have kindly agreed to our fielding more than eleven but this will not be the norm. Therefore the committee will on occasion have to ask players to stand down for certain fixtures. This will be done as fairly

as possible and will take into account such criteria as the status of the individual's membership, strength of the opposition and even location of the fixture. As a rough rule of thumb, those players who are available every week will be given four out of five games and any players stood down will be selected for the next game for which they are available.

 

We have avoided at this stage adding extra fixtures as the 22 currently arranged seems to be an adequate number. If in June and July the demand of players to play continues to exceed the supply of places, then new games can always be added.

 

For your part, please inform the secretary of your availability as far in advance as possible.

 

We conclude by asking you to respect the final decision of the captain and committee in selecting the team and to continue playing within the laws and spirit of the game.

 

Very best regards,

 

Sanjay Patel (Captain), Stuart Snelling (Chairman), Andrew Burman (Secretary)

Annies get their gun

 

Inspired by celebrity fan Bill Flack’s Eve of Agincourt call to arms on the club message board, The Gents got season No.17 off to a flier with a convincing if attritional win against a game St. Anne’s on the sultry afternoon of 25 April. It was ANZAC Day and new signings Ryon Derriman and Wayne Thompson were both among the wickets. As the visitors’ batting had something of a Weston and only made 42, three of captain Sanjay’s theoretical top four, Wayne, Dhruv Patel and Nabil Husain, did not even get their pads on, though Nabil could be seen having a bat by himself at the side of the pavilion. Ryon’s innings was one for the connoisseur. Taking a middle and off guard, he essayed several practice golf swings, eyeing up the railway embankment with a keen eye. That’ll be bowled Tristan nought then. You couldn’t make it up.

 

Post-match talk was of the sterling innings of young Justin Norcott who strode to the crease after two overs and was still there, 13 not out, 26.5 later. In the latter stages of his innings he was seeing the ball like a football and struck, with unusual levity, a two off a Halliday half-volley. The returning Jim Wright and Ken Toft also did their bit, but the match was effectively won by the accurate Gent seam attack. The St. Anne’s total was the second lowest by a side batting first in a Gents’ match (Enterprise scored 32 ten years ago) and contained eight ducks but at least outdid Zimbabwe’s 35 all out (Mugabe 31*, I Smith 2). And talking of the Rhodesians, who remembers Daniel Todd’s father having one at the Toddy/Katie wedding? Somebody made the mistake of referring to Harare within the great man’s earshot. “Har-ar-reh?” he harrumphed, “You mean Salis-buray.”

 

The venue for this analysis was the Lamb, Phil and June’s finest, which is still the club’s venue of choice, as it is nearby, has a garden, is friendly and not too overpriced. The only cheaper pub in the town is the Coronation Hall, a JD Wetherspoons outlet by the station, famous for ex-brothel décor, cheap drink and cheaper customers. As the game finished a little early, it might have been good to have a beer match. This was certainly planned if, as a few optimists had expected, The Gents had knocked off the runs in a few overs. The trouble is, tough wickets do not suddenly ease up, at least not at Victoria RG. The game was a late in starting anyway, with the result that a contest over in 51 overs finished at 5.30pm. Opinion was divided between the go to the pub and watch the football school and have another game of cricket school, with the usual split on party lines. Heated words were exchanged and a senior member of the play till we drop school puts pen to paper later on. He has a point too, but there is plenty of cricket still to be played.

 

Max headroom

 

A strange match dominated by a virtually unplayable pitch and some fine bowling by both teams writes Maxie Haddow-Allen. The wicket was extraordinarily uneven and low, causing deliveries to repeatedly shoot through at ankle height, emasculating all attempts at strokeplay and rendering it fatal to play across the line. Combined with the skill of Gents Husain and, especially, Snelling, we were reduced to 8-4, then 13-5, and the match was effectively over inside nine overs. A sub-20 total was averted only by a watchful Paul Nicol and a battling Tristan Haddow-Allen, the match top-scorer, who was eventually defeated by one which rolled along the surface onto his pad and then leg stump. Our 42 all out (for 11 wickets) was a club record by some margin.

 

We were saved from complete humiliation by a spirited bowling and fielding performance which made The Gents work very hard for their runs: 28 overs to make 43. Nicol, Chris Hipwell and James Devlin bowled with exceptional discipline and intelligence to keep the shackles on Gents Toft, Norcott and Wright, a trio of clearly talented batsmen whose straight bats kept their wickets intact but who were rarely able to attack with real conviction. We didn’t concede a single boundary during the course of their innings, in which although wickets fell at intervals a deserved home victory was never in doubt. A target of 80 plus, on the other hand, might have made for a very interesting contest.

 

Beggar biker off to Holland

 

May we draw attention to a brave initiative by Chris Wright, who in early June will cycle from London to Amsterdam, a distance of 300 euros, to raise funds for the mental health charity MIND. GWLCC will be sponsoring him, but we’re sure he’d also be grateful for private donations. Contact the editor for details.

May blossom after downpour

 

The following week’s opponents, Kerala CC from Croydon, who were found via the internet after Rams pulled out, were the subject of intense speculation. Would they be another Jay Bharat, who in 2003 when not spitting out the chicken from their sandwiches indulged in some fantastic gamesmanship (umpire to Snelling “You cannot bowl fast to him, he is only 14,” Snelling reluctantly bowls off four paces, boy wonder then hits three successive fours on his way to match-winning score)? But the rains came, so we shall not know until the new date of 5 September.

 

Meanwhile West XI, having lost by 8 wickets to Addington (1743) the week before went ahead against their tour oppo, Dinder and Croscombe, who travelled up from Somerset in a green Mendip Community Services bus. No pitch had been cut, but thankfully the friendly West Country lads, ever prepared, had brought a mower, so a game was had. A late blast from Chris Wright (52) and Neepam Bhatt (35 not out) saw the total up to 142, displaying the annoying Beggar resiliency of the 2003 Bob Ashton Cup games. With the ball, Dane’s 5-14, including four wickets in one over, was the match-winner. Added to his blistering 37, he was a MoM contender.

 

Thanks to the 12 Angry Men for upgrading to the prestigious Civil Service Ground in Chiswick (a venue that has seen First Class cricket) for the opening PALs League clash of the summer. The Gents had a full squad available so especial thanks are also due to those who stood down. Rumours that Twelve’s entire 2003 Antipodean middle-order had been deported turned out to be partly true (Ru Emerson somehow dodging the Home Office spooks), but their organiser had been a busy man trawling the Earl’s Court sports bars and had recruited several more over the winter. Batsman Two to Seven were all Ockers!

 

A game played in excellent spirit saw a win for The Gents on a West London double day, as Steve Bignell celebrated a fixture played within walking distance of his Day Unit with 62 not out (not his first fifty, nor his last) in a total of 158-5, the Walthamstow Horizontals falling 66 runs short. With The Gents being stronger than for several seasons, it all sets up the opening Bob Ashton Memorial Cup game on 30 May very well. The Gent will not be drawn into making a prediction, and in any case it’s best of three, but it could be a cracking game.

 

Treasury latest

 

We wrote to Chivers Easton Brown in April giving them first option to renew their sponsorship, as agreed when Max Minhas first brokered the deal back in 2002. We have to tell you now that no such undertaking has been received. This absence of a reply leads us to believe that CEB no longer wish to be associated with The Gents. We wish them well and thank them for their support over the past two years. There is a feeling in the club that with a healthy membership and the current shirt run having a few more years of wear and tear, it is not necessary to pursue another sponsor and that self-funding is the way forward.

 

This is not the view shared by Gent House. A progressive club should think creatively and to this end a cross-functional review team was set up under the chairmanship of Tony Buck with a remit to come up with a sponsorship action plan. As a result, a letter was sent to Sheikh Abu Hamza Al-Masri (the Khateeb) at Finsbury Park mosque to see if he would be interested in taking up the reins. Perhaps the phrase “hook up with The Gents” was not the happiest, but we await his reply.

 

Late tremors but Royalists up

 

Having praised Windsor and Eton F.C. in Gent 90, it is our solemn duty to report that the Royalists proceeded to spunk a mid-March position so dominant that the bookies had them at 1/5 to lift the Ryman League Division 1 South title. Whatever level you play at though it’s tough at the top, as Arsenal found a year ago. An embarrassing 1-4 defeat in front of a bumper 727 crowd on Easter Monday to local rivals and tenants Slough Town, with two red cards a side, was the nadir, but at least Windsor held on to their promotion slot. Lewes won the title, effectively clinching it with a 3-0 win away to Worthing in front of 872 on 20 April. As the league tensed up, there were dismissals galore, and none of your Makalele play acting either, good, honest punches, studs-up two-footed tackles and more than one bench-emptying brawl. The way football should be played.

Gents v. St. Anne’s Allstars

 

Victoria RG, Surbiton, Sunday, 25 April. St. Anne’s Allstars won toss. Sunny, 22°

 

 

 Gentlemen of West London won by 6 wickets

 

Norcott steers Gents to harbour

 

It wasn’t pretty and it certainly wasn’t spectacular, but The Gents ground out a welcome win after their seamers had ripped through the St. Anne’s batsmen, assisted by a low, slow wicket and some typical April shot selection. The visitors fought hard when The Gents batted, but Justin Norcott (13 not out off 71 balls faced) was impervious both to the accurate bowling and advice from boundary wits to accelerate. How St. Anne’s must have wished for such a feat of concentration and technique on a spongy, if not particularly treacherous surface.

 

Maxie Haddow-Allen chose to bat on a warm spring day and watched aghast as batsman after batsman trudged back disappointed. Halliday was the first to go, bowled Husain, and you would have got interesting odds at that point on eight batsmen scoring fewer than his one run. Snelling blasted out the middle order, knocking Hipwell’s leg-stump out of the ground, but Haddow-Allen showed what a class act he is. Despite suffering from the ’flu, he provided the most entertaining batting of the day before unluckily playing on to the accurate Thompson. Only Nicol really got in after that. Captain Sanjay Patel tried eight bowlers of whom Snelling, Husain and Thompson were the pick. There were catches for Dhruv Patel running in from mid-on to pouch Sciberras’s first ball and a top-edge to the ’keeper off Lewis. Forty-two all out with a third of the overs unused.

 

Perhaps thinking that the hosts would knock the runs off in a few overs, the captains agreed to defer tea until the conclusion of the game. That that would be several hours later was due to the cussed pride of Haddow-Allen’s men, who fought all the way. They had their successes too, Narasimha pulling to mid-wicket who juggled then held a sharp chance. Toft began promisingly before falling to Hipwell’s off-spin, Patel played inside the inswinger but Wright, whose lofted off-driven three was the highest scoring shot of the innings, essayed his usual elegance and assertiveness.

 

Run-rate was never an issue and Norcott rightly did not give his wicket away. He survived the fall of Wright, caught at short mid-wicket and two yahoos from Derriman and Lewis (going for the big one to bring up victory) off the returning Haddow-Allen and was still there when Scibo edged the winning run past slip. There was much muttering about the wicket but it did not deteriorate and The Gents just used the conditions better. Such was the availability for this match that the captains agreed a twelve-a-side fixture and Sanjay Patel should be credited for trying to involve everybody. It was a game played in the usual good spirit between the teams.

12 Angry Men v. Gents

 

Civil Service Sports Ground, Chiswick, Sunday, 9 May. Gents won toss. Cloudy, 15°

 

 

Gentlemen of West London won by 6 wickets

 

Thompson gunner

 

The Gents won an outstanding victory at 6.30pm on a chilly afternoon as Ryon Derriman swept powerfully for four. Though four players neither batted nor bowled, it was a true team effort against a new-look but still powerful Angry Men side. From the moment Sanjay Patel won the toss and decided to field everything, bar Stuart Snelling’s late withdrawal due to his son’s illness, went right for The Gents. A green but flat wicket never deteriorated, the bowlers never lost heart and the batsmen chased a competitive total with maturity and style. Thus The Gents gained only their third league win in their thirteenth game.

 

The Twelve raced away, being particularly severe on the skipper, but Denton’s dismissal heralded a decline in the run rate, capitalised upon by Wayne Thompson, whose pleasing action brought three good (and Australian) wickets and the run out of a fourth, the impressive Gavin McMillan. A fifth, Mitchell went for his shots, smiting three massive sixes off Nabil Husain and, twice in two balls, Dhruv Patel. Derriman’s accuracy did for him and with it the hosts’ hope of a 150-plus score. Nabil deserved the wicket of Horace for his clever change of pace and remorseless accuracy and Jim Wright was rewarded with catches at mid-on and at the wicket off a tickle.

 

A target of 137 looked less daunting after an excellent opening stand of 49 in 16 overs. Ken Toft dropped anchor but ran well, while Wayne Thompson went for his shots, striking five fours to the long, grassy boundaries on his way to a sterling 53. Each of the four overs after Ken’s and Jimmy’s dismissals saw five runs collected, ensuring that run rate was never going to be an issue. Dhruv Patel was on top form and never looked like getting out, adding fifty with Husain after Thompson was castled driving over an off-break. Nabil, in the opinion of this writer, is a club record score waiting to happen. Powerfully built and with a massive backlift, he entertained the crowd with a huge on-driven four for starters, survived a caught off a no ball beamer and obeyed Mr. Patel’s pot and kettle instructions about clear calling and sensible running between the wickets.

 

There was a graceful gesture from Mitchell, who looked to have caught Nabil but immediately ruled out the catch as, with his back to the action and out of shot of the cameras, he had spilled the ball. He had revenge of sorts by catching him off a legitimate delivery from the returning Shannon, but by then the result was beyond doubt. Sanjay Patel was ecstatic. He did not even get his pads on. Cricket can be the cruellest of sports but when all goes to plan it is incomparably the most satisfying, and this day was one such.
Readers’ letters

 

 

Have a good season. How many overseas players are you allowed? Rather them than second-rate performers on EU passports of convenience!

The Gent is another example of your wit exercised in written form as usual. However, I must correct one of the sentences under ‘5.5 Membership.’ I did actually play twice for the team during the 2003 season. These were brief appearances - once when I had to leave the tea preparation to fill in as a fielder for Dhruv’s late arrival, and another time when I was once again called upon to field in one the games during May. I succeeded in stopping a four with my right foot in that match, the swelling of which took two weeks to subside!

Please accept my apologies for the overflow of emotions yesterday but if you feel like it please read on. Maybe it’s me being too keen and passionate about the club doing well this season. It’s one opinion versus 22 others. I understand that there will be games which are one-sided but I fail to understand that when we all the right conditions, 13 players a side, first game of the season, brilliant weather, we don’t take advantage to get

everyone a feel for playing on grass. What happens if next week it rains and then the following week we have a

tough oppo?

 

We have no control over the weather but yesterday was in our control. Was there even a proposal to play another game? I also understand that there was a football game on so the pub seemed a better option.

I had noticed this same attitude when our tour match was called off and people wanted to go to the pub rather than use the ground and the perfect weather conditions.

 

One comment was people don’t feel up to it. Well, I don’t feel up to it on a cold, soggy day, when the outfield and ball are wet but we still plough on and finish the game (I would rather call these games off and go to the pub). I also feel that the teams should make more of an effort to play a beer match when the game finishes so early. If they have underperformed it’s fair to offer the oppo another 15-20 over game.

 

Are The Gents going to be a club which runs to the pub at every opportunity, or one who tries to play cricket on Sundays?

 

Thanks for listening.

 

A committed and passionate Gent

 

(Some excellent points there and at the time of writing Dhruv’s doomsday weather scenario is coming true. The captains were up for a second game if The Gents had knocked off the 43 runs in a few overs. But conditions remained hard and I think by 5.30pm everyone was tired, hungry and thirsty. Ed.)

 

May I take this opportunity of wishing The Gents all the very best for this season, and I hope they have every success. I think because of my work commitments it is, unfortunately, unrealistic to expect me to be able to turn out at all this season, and so I think it might be the appropriate moment for me to downgrade my club membership from Full to Friend of The Gents. I shall be posting a cheque to you in the next couple of days. I have had many happy moments with The Gents over the years, at least some of them when the Commander was playing, and I do miss the sense of the camaraderie that the club has built up over time. Once again, good luck for the season.

 

(Until a certain Mr. Jones strode back from the middle at Gunnersbury Park in July 2002 with 158 not out to his name, Bodders’s 78 in July 1993 was our highest score against West XI. Therefore, even Mark Ashton never achieved a score of this magnitude. We owe Nick a lot and wish him, Adele, Emily and Sophie well. Ed.)

West London 2004 fixtures

 

 

·          Gents home games start at 1pm

·          BAMC = Bob Ashton Memorial Cup (West XI holders)

·          PALs = PALs League three-team competition (12 Angry Men holders)

·          LNC = Lord Nelson Cup

 

Did you know?

No.1 in a series of conspiracy theories of questionable relevance

 

With cricket celebrities such as Darren Gough, Chris Wright, Steve Rennie and Ken Toft now domiciled in Essex, you may be planning a trip to acquire their autographs or take pictures with that digital camera you bought cheaply in your local pub. If you drive up the M11, you may notice that at Junction 5 (near Loughton) you can only go to London and not to Stansted and Cambridge and you can only exit the motorway coming from London and not from the North. Why should this be? It is because the Bank of England bullion reserves are stored close to this junction. When the M11 was built it was decided to block off the northbound traffic so that in the event of a raid on the Bank the crimos would not be able to buzz up north before the police could catch them. They would of course be diverted into London, become snarled up in traffic and be foiled.