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THE
Tales from the
corridor of uncertainty Gents victories over West XI… as common as sightings of Mrs. Mainwaring… but wait…
Here comes the summer And you will know us by
early defeats For the sake of future historians who will glance briefly at the scorecard of the 24 April game and move on, it is with heavy heart that we have to report shenanigans, to be specific a ruck from which nobody emerged with much credit. The background was a gritty knock from Wayne Thompson, who had been batting bravely on an interesting wicket but who was unhappy when two team-mates were bowled by grubbers (see below for the umpiring implications). On came a new bowler, Paul Nicol, whom As Thompson left the pitch, a pumped-up Nicol complained very aggressively about him to umpire
Burman, which caused the If Burman was going for the earliest funny turn in a season, however, he was onto a loser, as West XI batsman Andy Robinson lost it ONE OVER into the 2001 campaign at Addington, after his team-mates had barracked a couple of defensive shots. Be it here recorded that Thompson spent the rest of the day in lavish praise of St. Anne’s, remarking how good their bowling was. He is a feisty chap but a sportsman withal. The repercussions on The Gents were severe. Chivers Easton Brown sued for the return of the 2002/3 sponsorship money while Burman had lucrative advertising contracts with Saga, Steradent and Churchill Stairlifts cancelled. The English Schools Cricket Association then dropped him as a star guest at a prominent schools match insisting they were “making a stand” against his bad behaviour. The veteran Gents’ No.11 was booked to appear as a guest of honour at the Windsor Boys’ School Junior House match between NTL House (formerly Ford) and O2 House (formerly Ottrey) in late May. However, his on-field conduct, in particular his persistent swearing, has persuaded the ESCA to make alternative plans. An ESCA spokesman said. “There are simply better role models for schools cricket than Burman. We see a lot of bad behaviour these days on the field and we just feel it’s not a good example for all those young schoolchildren out there.” Burman has a long record of indiscipline and was famously caught on camera last September shouting the C-word over 20 times at West XI players after his team’s fielding was the subject of sarcastic remarks. The last word on game one goes to the alumni’s captain Maxie Haddow-Allen, who wrote: “Thanks again for everything on Sunday, and especially for procuring the trophy. I hope a note of triumphalism didn’t creep in too much on our part - but as I said, it’s the very quality of The Gents’ cricket which made our unprecedented victory such a thing to cherish. Here’s to the 28th. August!” There was in fact no triumphalism from St. Anne’s, just justifiable celebrations after a deserved win. And you will know us by the
trail of excuses Perturbed by Wayne’s insistence that the balls which
bowled Justin and James should have been called No ball, as they had rolled
along the ground, umpire Burman went off to
investigate the Law, which reads: Note; Law 24 6. Ball bouncing more than twice or rolling along the ground So that was it then! Not too big to admit his mistake, Burman couriered letters of apology in all directions. James replied: “That is very kind of you to say so. But it is your decision and the rule states, ‘...if a ball which HE CONSIDERS to have been delivered…’ You clearly did not consider that to be the case and that is your prerogative as the umpire. I think you are a very fair umpire and I respect your decisions.” James Lewis, a man from whose graciousness we could all learn. Pitch battles No sooner had the penumbral lunar eclipse of 24/25 April passed and the Green Manalishi passed over the horizon than we received a humdinger of a letter from RB Kingston’s Mr. Gary Privett, written in true Victor Richmond “and another thing…”-style accusing The Gents of not starting until 2pm and leaving the tables outside the pavilion after the game. A fine way to start the summer! Please ensure, chaps, that in future the chairs, tables and scoreboard are put away after the game. Do not ask the oppo to do it, do it yourselves. For the record, here is our reply, a diplomatic masterpiece: Thank you
for your letter of 25 April, which I received yesterday. I was disappointed to
hear that the tables were left out, an oversight by us which will not happen
again. Please convey my apologies to the contractors for causing this
inconvenience to them. Regarding the start time of last
Sunday’s game, I am afraid that you have been misinformed. We were a few
minutes late in starting, the reasons for which I will explain later, but the
first ball of the match was bowled at 1.19pm, as the scorebook confirms. The
match finished at 6.30pm, an hour before the latest finish time allowed by our
contract with you. The delay in starting was a combination
of late arrivals by several members, which is within my club’s control, and the
facilities not being ready on time, which is not. This year we have a new groundsman, Roy, who was friendly and welcoming to us all
day. It was his first day on duty for cricket and he struggled a bit to find
the right keys, etc. with the result that we had one changing room open on the
far side of the pavilion and one on the usual side, as one of the usual
changing rooms had been vandalised. This all added to the delay, as players
were unable to change until just before 1pm. By the way, this is not a complaint and
I do not want to get the chap into trouble. We want to work with him while he
is on duty, as we do with RB Finally,
though the outfield was very good the pitch was dangerous and badly needs a
heavy roller. I mentioned this to you last season and you passed my concerns on
to the contractor, but I never received a reply. I should like one please. The question remains, who grassed us up
with this 2pm balderdash? Groundsman
Hale fellows not well met Due to heavy rain in Pitchfinder General A bid by Cammy Vine to secure the GlaxoSmithKline Boston Manor ground for Beggar use was denied by the GSK authorities, who refused to let the facilities to “a pub team.” A pity, as it was a good initiative, but in any case may we commend the Latin of Chris Wright, who wondered whether his club would be able to use that ground “et nunc et semper.” This was a new phrase on us. It derives from the words of Monteverdi’s Vespers of 1610 “Sicut erat in principio, et nunc, et semper, et in saecula saeculorum” which translates as “as it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be, without end.” Early
doors What a transformation Battersea has enjoyed
in the ten years since the two Gents’ visits in 1995. An area with “potential”
back in the days of Mr. Major’s premiership, Gent batting orders featuring
Ashton and Hughes, bowling line-ups boasting Snelling
and Todd and dear Mark Burville gobbling up
impossible catches, nowadays you cannot move for aromatherapists
and bijou restaurants knocking out lamb shanks in a celeriac jus for a bargain
fifteen quid a go (vegetables £4.00 extra). Though the pitch for 12AM/Gents had its moments, the facilities at A second defeat for
The Gents should not be taken too much to heart. When 12 Angry Men have all
their stars available, as they did here, they are the one of the best batting
sides you could meet (viz. totals of 231 and 284 at Surbiton
in 2000 and 2001) and the atmosphere in the second innings, with the Angries, led by first-slip Horace, exhorting their men to
greater efforts and The Gents loudly cheering Nabil’s
batting, was tremendous. Played two lost two it is though. It is clear that the
club’s playing resources will be depleted compared with some recent seasons.
Wayne Thompson it seems will play few and we will hardly see Sanjay until June
at the earliest. What is needed is leadership. That doesn’t mean Churchillian speeches from Mr. Buck, it means every one of
us doing his bit, introducing a player or two (this is beginning to happen) and
being patient if denied an opportunity in a particular game. Above all it means
supporting each other on and off the pitch. Judge the season
in September. West XI currently stand played three won three after their nine-wicket win over Bhavesh Vyas/Neepan Bhatt’s All India XI, in which Mr. Vyas scored 53 out of an all out total of 78 and Phil Hill took a career best haul of 5-2. They started off with a three-wicket win at Addington (1743) before scraping home against Dinder and Croscombe by 2 runs (85-8 v. 83-8). They remain a strong side, perhaps stronger than in 1995, a year in which Mr. Bignell issued regular thundering Jeremiads about the decline of his beloved club in the club’s then organ, Yes..No..Sorry! Science Today
He soon realised that the tea-urn was not
“f***ed” (as it had been accused of being) nor had the
Which reminds us of a good joke. How do you tell the difference between a physicist and an applied mathematician? You do an experiment in which they have to make a cup of tea. You provide water, a kettle, a teabag, a teapot and a cup. The physicist goes into the room, fills the kettle with water and boils the water. He then places the teabag in the teapot and pours on the boiling water thus making a cup of tea. You then restore the initial conditions and send in the applied mathematician who proceeds to do the same thing. You now make the test slightly harder. You fill the kettle with water before the subjects arrive. The physicist notes this, boils the water in the kettle and makes tea as before. The applied mathematician sees that the kettle is full of water, empties the kettle so reducing the situation to the previous problem, which he has already solved. IT Helpdesk
With Terry Data Celtic chairman Brian Quinn
recently admitted his error in ringing a teenager in A
day or so later, The Technology section of The Gent received a plea from
a West XI player, who was doing a spot of research on the internet, with
catastrophic results. As with Mr. Quinn, let this be a lesson to all of us
about modern things. Mr.
Beggar wrote: While downloading adult material at a friend’s home on his
computer up North recently, I was alarmed to find all manner of alarming
‘pop-ups’ and premium rate phone lines being dialled up in front of my very
eyes. It was like electronic World War Three on the screen I can tell you.
Having exhausted the usual diagnostic routines such as shouting, I tried to
solve the problem by yanking the plug out of the wall but all I got was an
explosion. The people at Dell were no use at all and asked me to turn the
computer on again and yank the plug out again as they “wanted to hear what sort
of explosion it was.” They were even laughing. My friend has now lost all his
files and programmes and is not speaking to me. What is to be done? I feel a
right nana. The operating system is Windows XP Home Edition, the IP address is
Cricket teas, OT piles in In a recent Yes..No..Sorry! editorial,
Old Mother Bignell, stung by the comments in Gent
97, launched a plea for more “diversity” in West XI’s catering
arrangements. Spoken like a true Civil Servant, though a soon to be retired one
(have a long, happy and healthy one, sir). Seeking the definitive word on what
you can and cannot have in a cricket tea, we have found a ruling from no less an authority than the Queen’s Bible. Though you search the
Book of Leviticus in vain for comedy quips or advice on batting orders, the old
prophet is quite clear on the subject of pork, be the
configuration pie, BLT or Quiche Lorraine. He further denounces other cricket tea
victuals. Who can forget the dainty lapwing vols
au vents prepared by London Rams in 2001, or the tandoori
osprays brought along many years ago by Urban
Associates? Unclean though. 7 And
the swine, though he divide the hoof, and be clovenfooted,
yet he cheweth not the cud; he is unclean to you. 13 And
these are they which ye shall have in abomination among the fowls; they shall
not be eaten, they are an abomination: the eagle, and the ossifrage,
and the ospray, Escargots,
chips and a cup of tea It was of course Jeremy Lloyd and David Croft who brought “Are You Being Served?” to our screens not Jimmy Perry and David Croft. Thank you to Maxie Haddow-Allen for pointing this out, a full two minutes after receiving Gent 98. Talking of pointing things out, Bill Flack, still sadly injured with Achilles tendonosis, was recently watching Tony Hancock’s “The Rebel” and noted “The more I see the opening scene (getting on the 8.22 to Waterloo via a train going in the opposite direction) the more I am convinced that it was filmed at Berrylands. Can anyone shed any light on this?” Over to the likes of Lord Owen and Viscount Haddow-Allen. Game 1: Victoria
RG, Surbiton, Sunday, 24 April. St. Anne’s Allstars
won toss. Sunny, 20° St.
Anne’s scratch Gents record On a day when the threatened heavy rain held off, St. Anne’s broke their duck to beat The Gents for the first time at the sixth attempt. Perhaps the awarding of a trophy (the inaugural 42-11 Cup, which unlike the Ashes will physically stay with the victors until won back) inspired the visitors, perhaps the lack of one or two Gents’ stars was significant, but there could be no doubt about the justice of the outcome, for St. Anne’s, inspired by Ulsterman Simon “Scratch” Begley, batted with more panache on a difficult wicket and held their catches. It is a tribute to them that they achieved this win without a significant contribution from the masterful Tristan Haddow-Allen, who had a quiet game. Buck opened with début boy Graham Butt, who
soon castled Tristan and had Clements well held high by square-leg Turpin. From
the 153-8 was a fair total but one that The
Gents had reasonable hopes of overhauling. The wicket had been two-paced but
the outfield was fast and the batting had looked good in the nets. Alas, 38-6
was not quite the start Buck had in mind. You could imagine his saying, in
another time: “You know Buck rightly opted to give several who had
not bowled a bat up the order, the result being a classy caught-behind nought
from Paul Turpin, who can obviously bat and will in our opinion score a fifty
this season, and a stylish 6 from James Lewis, who was bowled by a grubber.
Justin had gone the same way (the Some very good cricket then ensued. Scibo and HP played out three maidens before Mark in particular started going for his shots, being absolutely brutal on the leg-side. The two ran well and saw up a rapid 52 stand that was only broken by a scintillating piece of cricket, Adam Clements pouching Scibo high over on the deep-extra cover boundary for a career-best 42. Such a piece of fielding deserved to win the match and it did, despite a few runs for Mr. Hill. So confident were they that St. Anne’s used seven bowlers, all worth the name. Devlin’s perseverance brought him a four-wicket haul but Chadwick, a left-arm over quick, was also eye-catching. So it was not a disaster then with so many players missing but the fact remains that simultaneous appearances from the Patels, Husain and Wright will be the exception not the norm in 2005, so others must be prepared to take responsibility. The early signs of this were encouraging and it was good to be back.
St. Anne’s (won toss); T Haddow-Allen 1, Begley 89 not out,
Clements 2, F Haddow-Allen 0, Territt
0, Nicol 23, Toohey 4, Rose
0, †Gould 5, Devlin 8 not out, Chadwick and *M Haddow-Allen
dnb, Extras 24, 153-8 (35 overs) FoW;
1, 10, 23, 50, 103, 107, 107, 126 Bowling; Hill 1-19, Butt 2-32, Thompson 0-16, Sciberras
2-35, Buck 3-41 Catches; Turpin 2 Gents; Thompson 25, Toft 0, Norcott
5, Lewis 5, Turpin 0, Buck 0, Sciberras 42, †Denton 10,
Hill 8, Butt 1, Burman 1 not out, Extras 21, 114
all out (33.2 overs) FoW;
1, 7, 23, 24, 38, 38, 90, 110, 110, 114 Bowling; T Haddow-Allen 0-4,
Devlin 4-13, Chadwick 3-7, Nicol 0-27, Clements 0-11,
Toohey 0-26, Begley 1-10 Catches; Clements 2, Gould Lost by 39 runs Game 2: Nabil defiant but Angries batter Gents down by the river Building on a prolific if chancy opening
stand, The Angry Men’s long and extremely Australian middle-order delivered a
measure of revenge for recent Ade Ballcock and the slight Parry, who survived an accidental beamer from Nabil ball one, went extremely gung-ho from the beginning with a most entertaining stand, if one that ought to have been broken earlier than it was, as two catches went down at first slip, one at cover and one at long-on. Hemin pouched two good ones, both at long-on, and HP executed a smart stumping, but this was not one of The Gents’ better days in the field, too many runs being leaked by poor outfielding and throwing. But in mitigation, the grass in the outfield was long and patchy. The pivotal stand was for the fourth
wicket, Neale Anderson and Damon Wilson playing the
bowling pretty much at will until Sanjay brought out a
pearler to Dear Moon Cat was bowled by one that kept low as the pitch decided to have a Surbiton moment but Dhruv executed a quick 20, including the day’s first six, a pull off Shannon, before being bowled after a premeditated air shot. Ken, trying to force the pace, then holed out to mid-on, the first of three catches by Middleton. There then followed a series of useful if not match-turning partnerships as Nabil’s artillery began to find its range, including an amazing tennis smash six over long-on from a prone position on the ground and another sixer tipped over the white line goalkeeper-fashion by deep-extra cover Ade. Poor James was run out after a promising knock but Scibo and Hemin played some good shots. Thanks to most of The Gents for turning up impressively early, though Mr. Lewis had one of his turns and arrived forty minutes off the pace. No matter, it was good to see him. This was a friendly fixture played at a venue much improved since The Gents’ 1995 visits (Mr. Snelling made his wicketless debut there). The light touch of both captains ensured a sociable day and all players responded. 12 Angry Men (won toss); Parry 16, Bullock 35, †Wilson 48, Emerson 10, *Anderson 53 not out, Middleton 10, Faiers
7 not out, Simper, Hylden, Shannon and Hibbert dnb, Extras 14, 196-5
(35 overs) FoW;
47, 67, 82, 150, 187 Bowling; Husain 1-34, Catches; H Patel 2 Gents; Toft 11, Gilkes 0, D
Patel 20, Lewis 2, Husain 54, Sciberras 8, H Patel
19, S Patel 3, †Denton 11, Norcott
0, Turpin 0 not out, *Buck dnb, Extras 14, 143 all
out (29.3 overs) FoW;
1, 23, 34, 53, 77, 115, 122, 143, 143, 143 Bowling; Shannon 1-22, Parry 2-18, Faiers
1-17, Simper 2-32, Emerson 0-38, Anderson 2-2, Hibbert
1-0 Catches; Middleton 3, Lost by 53 runs 2005 Please note the following changes: 1. The Urbans game goes ahead 2. Weasels away will be at Berrylands 3. The London Rams/Gents game has been postponed 24 hours due to the ODI final 4. The Gents will not play Old Rutlishians in 2005
Arriva Buses –
serving the Shires A bit of advance information for anyone
planning to watch West XI at Berkhamsted or maybe
play against them in September. The 353 bus from Court and Social The best news of all is last! Congratulations to Sanjay and Nisha Patel and welcome Narissa, who was born on 31 March. Richard and Emma Gilkes welcomed all 7lb. 5oz. of Adam John on 15 April. The close season also saw the birth of Dhruv and Reika Patel’s second son, Chirag. The Gents and their wives have certainly had a busy spring. Early bonding with dad, the like of which this writer certainly did not enjoy (few of his generation did), means that we will not see so much of these chaps in 2005, so the more opportunity for the rest of you. James Lewis and Helen have announced their engagement, more than a year after brother Chris and Snarler spotted them cosily studying curtain brochures in the Hertfordshire sunshine. The magazine that killed a colour printer in one week printing out
pictures of Mrs. Slocombe may be contacted on e-mail
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©The Gentlemen of West London Cricket Club 2005
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